do you think in china they have english people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped?
I work at a chocolate factory, but they don't like me talking about it. Which is why I have to Wispa.
I've spent the past 5 years making a car out of uncooked spaghetti. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente.
Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street.
I was in Burger King earlier and after waiting I noticed that the obese woman on the till had written on her top 'Too cool for school' i suppose that's why she was working at Burger King then.
What would happen if you put the salt shaker in the fridge?
Don't know but it'd be pretty cool.
I had some ice cream the other day that was as hard as a brick.
Turns out it was Walls...
I've just asked my mate to come to KFC with me later.
I need a wing man
Whats Jack the Ripper's favouroute yoghurt?
Frubes - He likes to rip their heads of and suck their guts out
I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another.
My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant.
Why do fat people like Twitter?
Because the hash tag look's like a waffle. #
I drink so much that the last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I had the blackest coffee last night before going to bed.
Robbed me of about 8 hours sleep.
I think the most peaceful Christmas I can remember was when my mother accidently covered the cake in Temazepam
My girlfriend thought I had some real cheek to go up to her Mum and say, "Do my fingers smell of fish?"
To which she replied, cowering away, "No, I don't think so".
"I thought just as much" I replied. "Now go and get me some Birdseye instead of this Aldi rubbish".
Carlsberg don't do great tasting beers,
But if they did....
4 large cod
6 large portions of chips
4 battered sausages
I was disgusted when I read what Paul Mason has for lunch. I mean, c'mon, fish with curry sauce?
Terrible news about today's Peshawar explosion.
There's naan bread all over my kitchen.
Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Apparently, using my girlfriend's pair of GHDs to make a toasted cheese sandwich is not a 'survival technique'.
I've always been put off by Subways slogan "Eat Fresh"
As opposed to what?
Pizza Hut : Kids eat free
Great! I'm a single parent with 10 children and living on benefits.
I've started drinking a new drink, it's called Abrahams, sorry Mountain Jew.
I just found out today that my wife's baking is really good for your health.
A bullet just ricocheted off the mini cake I had in my chest pocket.