Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp.

Given the price of food now think i'm gonna be a veggie, by that I mean no meat, ..........not in a coma

Nearly got kicked out of McDonald's today... There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her "you've already done that, I'll give you a 1 to finish me off"

The wife tried to 'cheese me off' last night.
She's started experimenting with dairy products in the bedroom.

I'd heard that the steak served at Stringfellows is the best you can get, so I decided to try one.
What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless.
I said "Hi Peter. Where's my steak?"

To an optimist, the bag is 1/32 full.
To a pessimist, the bag of Walkers crisps is 31/32's empty.
To an engineer, the bag is 32 times as big as it needs to be.

My nan accidentally made a trifle with KY jelly.
It didn't taste very nice but it went down well.

I read in a magazine that if you sit in a sauna for 30 minutes, you will lose 600 calories in sweat.
I really hate saunas though, so instead, I've been putting my Big Mac and chips in there for half an hour before I eat it.

I've never been any good at making pancakes.
I think it's because I don't give a toss.

My mate said 'Someone needs to eat the last tortilla or I'll get in trouble'.
So I took the wrap for him.

I said to one of my dinner guests, "What do you think to the horseradish sauce?"
He said, "It certainly tastes unique. Did you make it yourself?"
I said, "I did... I got the radishes from Asda. The horse proved to be a bit more tricky though."

I went for a curry last night and ran out of the curry house without paying, when i got back home i was on the toilet for hours. That's bad korma.

I drank a Red Bull earlier.
Afterwards, I noticed that on the back of the can it says that it "Improves the emotional state".
I'm glad.

Dear Redbull,
At what stage should i be able to fly?
regards
Ostrich

What's the difference between a fat bird and a kebab?
One has salad and the other is a fat bird.

After sharing a mixed grill at a racecourse with my wife. We thought we'd go and place a few bets.
When our stakes came up on the first race. We decided, we won't be eating here again.

When your cup of tea is more crunchy than your corn flakes, you know it's probably time to de-scale your kettle.

I've always eaten my food in a military fashion, shuffling the vegetables in the middle, within a mash potato wall, surrounded with a gravy moat ..
There's no escapeas on my watch.

My local supermarket goes to extreme lengths to ensure the freshness of their products. The dairy section consists of a cow in a fridge.

I've just tried my first Mountain Dew and I struggle to see what all the hype is about.
Licking Ben Nevis really didn't give me the sugar rush I was expecting,

My new girlfriend said " I don't like guys who drink too much".
"Don't worry" I replied "I can't remember the last time I had a drink"
I have blackouts.

My girlfriend tried to get me to go to this new Chinese restaurant but I told her I'm not keen on foreign food.
So we went to our usual curry house instead.

I came home at 3am last night and made loads of noise.
"What are you doing down there" shouted the wife.
"Im trying to bring a keg of beer up the stairs". I replied.
"Leave it down stairs till the morning" she shouted.
"I can't I've drunk it" I said.

Police are looking for a rapist with honey, walnuts & filo pastry smeared on his face.
The victim said he was wearing a baklava.

I like my women how I like my coffee.
One that keeps me up all night and which is preferably kept in a cupboard.