At my takeaway the same man takes my order, Cooks my food, And delivers it to my door,
The recession must have hit my local chinese really bad.

BBC News: "Dead baby found in London hotel"
Or as I like to call it, dinner.

I offered a fat bird a date once, but she turned me down.
She wouldn't touch any kind of fruit.

When Life gives you lemons, be grateful for the gift from your unusually named grocer.

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.

Try eating your breakfast before you go to bed,
This will save you lots of time in the morning.

My wife said she was leaving me because she thought I was a chicken, and was sick of my cheesy jokes, and cauliflower ears.
To be honest, I think she's making a bit of a meal out of it.

Do ya know what I don't understand. Why dont they use the glue from post it notes for sticking the lids down on ready meals so that you can actually get into them.
Then they could use the glue from the ready meals packaging for something useful, such as adhesive bonding for repairing cracks in bridges and high-rise buildings

I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night.
I said, "Do you fancy going out for something to eat, my treat?"
She said, "Yeah, that would be nice".
I said, "Great, here's a tenner, get me a kebab and get yourself whatever you want".

The back of a packet of Walkers crisps now reads:
Now with no Artificial colourings, flavours or crisps!

I saw a farmer in a field playing a board game on a pig.
I asked him "what game are you playing?"
"Backgammon" he replied.

Government cutbacks are really starting to affect the NHS here in Scotland.
The only heart & lung machine my local hospital has left is the haggis grinder in the canteen.

Greggs are expecting the new tax to seriously affect their business.
Personally, I can't see how an extra 3.142% will make that much difference.

I've just had one of those horrible ice cream headaches.
Brought on by looking at the sheer amount my wife bought for herself.

Three words every man dreads to hear from a women.
There's no bread.

I like to confuse McDonald's staff by using binary when ordering.
I'll have 1 Big Mac please.

"Waitrose to start stocking Rhea eggs"
Eggs from Rheas? They'll never take off.

My mum lost 4 stone after making a discovery... the exit door at McDonald's.

I ordered an 8 inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks.
I phoned Dominos up and said, "What are you doing, having my pizza delivered by two midget monks?"
"Well, it's only a small order," came the reply.

I was out with my date when she asked why my last relationship didn't work out.
"She was really obsessive; she broke up with me because I like sausages and she doesn't," I told her.
"But that's ridiculous!" she said incredulously, "I like sausages!"
"Really? You should come back to my place - I've got millions of them."

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy.
There were ants, flies and dirt everywhere.
I thought "Eating on a blanket under a tree is no picnic".

Sitting in the restaurant last night, I started having unsavoury thoughts as the waitress walked over to me in her short skirt and tight top.
Should I just skip my main and go straight to the sweet.

Nutrition scientists have found that some brand-name pizzas contain more salt than seawater.
Thanks to the 'experts', we now know why pizzas aren't very wet.

I've just split up a fight between a lemon and a lime.
They're such bitter rivals.

I'm just off to the pharmacy because I'm going to make a salad with bacon bits.
I need plasters for my pet pig.