McDonald's have brought out a new drug-filled burger.
It's called the McJagger.

Mc Donalds has released a statment saying that there sponsership of the london 2012 olympics won't harm the integrity of the games, but lane 5 and 6 will be closed off due to a childrens party.

I've just been laid off from the cake factory due to the credit crunch.
Hundreds and Thousands are at risk!

I'm making loads more money since I turned my bait shop into a sushi restaurant.

I could do with a fizzy drink.
I've been drinking lemonade for 5 days flat.

I bought a packet of Asda own brand sausages the other day.
On the side of the packet it said 'warning, may contain traces of meat.'

I've been preparing for this date for hours- dressing in my smartest clothes, combing my hair...
I don't know why I've made it such a big deal really, It's just a fruit.

My fruit flavoured dairy beverage attracts all the males to the garden and they exclaim that the fruit flavoured beverages i procure are far superior to ones they have sampled elsewhere, i would show you the method to make such a fruit flavoured beverage but unfortunately i would have to levy a fee in order to do so

You know what they say about men with big hands... They find it hard to eat pringles

I love how we confuse foreigners by calling so many of our foods puddings.
Yorkshire pudding, Christmas pudding, black pudding.
They can't tell if they're biting into a delicious sweet dessert, or a lump of congealed animal blood.

Eating carrots make you see in the dark.
Masturbating sends you blind.
Do both and it's like you're always wearing night vision goggles.

I've decided to become a boat builder. I just put a kitten, egg whites and sugar into a blender. Going to make a catermeringue.

I hit the drink again last night.
It spilt everywhere, the wife was furious!

My grandfather can cook a smashing curry, mind you he see's himself as an authority on curry due to where he was stationed in the war.
Bradford.

What do you call someone who's scared of KFC?
A chicken.

My wife put a gun to my head and said, ''Do you love me?''
''Depends, what's for dinner?'' I said.
''There's a gun to your head and all you care about is dinner!'' she said angrily.
''Yes!'' I replied, ''With your cooking I might just want you to pull the trigger!''

I had a dream the other day. I was eating a biscuit. It was rectangular with rounded edges and coated with sugar.
It was Nice.

I bought a bed today that's made entirely out of rice.
The mattress is okay but the pilaus are really uncomfortable.

I got myself a bargain bucket from the Colonel the other day, decided to eat it while travelling down the M4, I'm starting to regret throwing the bones out of the window though.

I was in a trial for experimental flavours of crisps. Taste's A, B, C and D were horrible.
But the next one I tried was tasty.

I know drink driving is wrong, but sometimes I've just got to do it.
How else will the kids get to school?

"How did you find your steak sir?" The waiter asked
"Easy, I just lifted up a chip and there it was...................."

I went into a cafe today and they were selling all day breakfasts.
They looked great, but I couldn't spare that much time.

I was in Sunderland the other day and went to a quiet back street restaurant that served lovely sushi at a tenth of the price that they do in London. I asked them how they could afford to sell it so cheap and the manager said that prices would rise back to normal as soon as they could fix the deep fat fryer.

Meat eaters, cure your vegetarian friends by pledging to triple your own meat consumption for the duration of their abstinence. If they really love animals, they'll have no choice but to start eating burgers again.