"Ear of corn, head of lettuce, eye of potato!" cackled the vegan witch whilst she stirred her boiling cauldron.

My new girlfriend just gagged while trying to seductively eat a banana.
She's dead to me.

I've just been round to Delia Smith's house for dinner. After a cracking meal she brought out her famous "Menopause sponge cake"
I was disappointed though as it was extremely dry... I dunno, maybe she'd ran out of eggs.

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "What's wrong with them?"
Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some,
The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

BBC News:Explosion at factory producing Ribena
Does that fall under currant affairs?

If cider is made from apples, does it count as one of my five a day?

I promised the wife the Ritz for her birthday treat, i didnt disappoint.
One whole pack of cheese crackers working their way to her now......

Me and my girlfriend tried roast badger at our local restaurant last night.
We had the sett meal for two.

If I was looking for an emergency 'keeper to save a penalty in a crowd of people, the LAST one I would choose would be the one scranning a Mars Bar.

"I'm leaving", I said to my wife.
"You'll come crawling back", she sneered.
I just ignored her and continued on my way to the pub.

McDonald's;
Proof that Americans are so desperate for Heritage that they claim their patron saint of fast food was Scottish.

I've just seen a boy racer smash his Vauxhall Nova into the back of a Heinz lorry.
I think it was souped up.

Right, i'll line a tin with Shortcrust pastry.
Tim, you whip the cream and add it in.
Jeff, pick some fresh berries and arrange them ontop.
Matt, your job is to add a thin layer of sugar...
Sounds like a sweet Flan to me.

I was eating at an Italian Restaurant and I ordered a Chefs special pizza.
When it arrived it tasted awful, so I demanded to speak to the chef himself
"This pizza is completely overdone and tastes like cardboard!" I complained.
"Scusami?! It is perfection! I Have been cooking this pizza for over 30 years!" He argued.
"No offence mate, but that's a bit long for a pizza." I Replied.

It took me a long time to order breakfast this morning.
By the time I'd alphabetically arranged it all, it had gone cold.

I love cooking with wine... sometimes I put it in the food as well

Fat people, its not their fault. They just have slow metabolisms.
And very fast, chip eating hands.

Why are people so bothered about genetically modified foods?
I mean just last week me and the family sat down to a delicious plate of beef wings.

Here's a drinking game to entertain you.
Get six mates and all sit in a circle. Each one of you has a bottle of vodka in front of you.
On the command "Go" everyone has to drink their bottle as fast as they can.
Wait half an hour, then one of you leaves the room. The others have to guess who it was.

My mate asked me if he could have a handful of my Walkers crisps today.
So I gave him the whole bag.

Went for Indian last night and the food didn't agree with me.
Full credit to it for making coversation though.

What do we want?
A cure for chocolate addiction.
When do we want it?
After eight.

I love some imaginary eggs on my breakfast.
You can't beat them.

I recently heard that Heinz are to stop making tomato ketchup.
From a very reliable source.

I read in the paper this morning how a jury heard that.... "One punch 'killed Defoe's brother'"
I had to wonder, how much rum was in it?!