I walked into McDonald's today and asked for a Chicken Legend.
The cashier winked informatively and said "Did you know...that if you cut the head off a chicken...it'll keep running?"
The wife served me my dinner last night.
I've been cleaning mashed potato out the racket strings all morning.
I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.''
She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?''
I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''
Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night.
The waiter asked, "Have you ever tried frog?"
I said, "I've had a Freddo."
For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk.
It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?
I ordered a Whopper in Burger King the other day and offered a pound for it.
"No," said the girl, "it's 3.88!"
We argued for a few minutes before she gave in.
"Fine!" she said. "Have it your way!"
A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man. "It's his birthday!"
I can't help but wonder how Bovril happened.
At what point was anyone looking at tea and thinking "This isn't meaty enough."?
They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider...
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice!
I am thinking of going on the next series of Dragons Den with a toaster actually big enough to take a full slice of bread.
Apparently, 50,000 died from driving last year and 10,000 died from drinking, Yet only 500 died from drink driving. Then again, only 2 people died from drink driving and juggling. I think thats my safest way home then.
To all the fat ladies out there, remember, stressed is desserts spelt backwards.
I was eating a Granny Smith earlier.
She didn't seem to know what was happening but at least she was grateful.
I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, "Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?"
So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone.
So, as a result, there was no punch line.
Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
Life is like a box of chocolates; my wife gets really annoyed when I try to finish hers.
My friend was saying how he thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever.
He obviously hasn't bit straight into a fresh McDonald's apple pie.
Going to McDonald's for a salad?
That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins.
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate."
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
I don't think I could ever fist someone.
I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.
All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter.
He says, "I'll have a Twirl and a Boost, please."
The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, "Honey, you look fabulous today!"
My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.
I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.