I've decided to call my father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

I love fresh Louisiana oyster, crab & shrimp lightly drizzled with oil.
Drenching it with 5000 barrels a day is a bit too much though

In an effort to encourage people to get their five-a-day, my local baker has been adding vegetables to his bread.
Unsurprisingly, his 'pea-dough' isn't his best seller.

The other day I stole a revolver made of gelatin. The next day I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

I Am proud that I always have my Five fruit-a-day.
Half a pack of Starburst!

I've just been in McDonald's and asked for the 'New Orleans Deluxe' from the Taste of America menu.
They gave me a drink.

I got Ainsley Harriot's 'Friends and Family Cookbook' for Christmas. I was a bit disappointed with it though, I quickly got bored of most of his recipes. To be fair though, there's only so much you can make with a bunch of bananas.

So my wife sent me to go get "organic" vegetables from the supermarket. So I go up to one of the kids in the veggie section and I say:
"Do you know if any of these have pesticides on them?"
"Pesticides?" he asked.
"You know, poison that they spray on the plants. I need some veggies for the wife," I said.
"Oh, uh... you'll have to do that yourself."

The boss gave me a wink the other day & said 'I've put a little extra in your pay packet this week.'
To be honest, it was a bit of a let down.
I don't like Spearmint.

Went to Mc Donalds today and had one of their 1955 burgers.
Only another 1954 to go

My mates a Ski instructor....
He teaches people to eat yoghurts safely.

Carlsberg don't do Kronenbourg.
But if they did, they'd probably be the best beer in the world.

Why did the pie cross the road?
Because it was meat 'n' potato.

I see in the news that cereals are being grown using human waste as fertilizer. I did wonder. When I put milk on my Rice Krispies this morning they went "splat, dribble and plop".

A man once told me that every time he claps his hands a child in Africa dies!
What a fantistic person trying to do his bit for charity. I think he deserves a round of applause!

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No wonder they're delicious.

I was driving down the motorway the other day and saw one of those 'Tiredness can kill, Take a break' signs.
Steady on Kit Kat... what's with the public death threats?

I went to buy a 99 from the ice-cream van this afternoon, upon arrival I realised I was 30p short, so asked Mr Whippy for a 69.
It didn't taste of vanilla.

I like co-operative onion rings,
They come out of the packet if you ask them nicely.

After a hearty meal I still had half a sandwich left on my plate, "Do you want a box for that?" the waitress asked..
"No", I replied, "but I'll wrestle you for a cup of coffee."

My wife wasn't impressed when I skipped breakfast this morning.
It was a string of sausages.

Budweiser 66: Lightly carbonated for a smooth, easy taste.
AKA
Budweiser 66: we left a couple of thousand barrels open overnight by mistake and need to get rid of it.

A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep.
I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.

I picked up a free-range chicken from the supermarket yesterday.
I managed to stun it with a tin of beans in the pet food aisle.

The Tango has been declared part of the world's Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity by the United Nations.
I still prefer Fanta though.