My mate just had a right go at me because I didn't know kebabs were a Turkish delicacy..
Shish!

Last night, my wife said we should introduce food into our love making. She didn't see the funny side when I said I'll bring the crabs.

I've just had that feeling where it feels like something inside me died.
To be fair, i should've killed it first before i ate it

Looking a barman straight in the eye whilst ordering a shandy .... Impossible. Can't be done.

As a journalist I was quite interested to hear that an old couple had discovered an ice cream container that hadn't been opened for 50 years.
I rushed to their house straight away to see if I could get an inside scoop.

If packaging manufacturers are trying to be environmentally friendly, then why is it that crisp packets are only ever half full?

Alphabetti Spaghetti not geeky enough?
Simply mix regular tinned Spaghetti and Hoops together for exciting Binary Spaghetti.

I just finished my degree in Aerodynamics
Those chocolate bars take far more effort to make than people think.

I've always wondered... what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Surely a bread knife?!?!?

I was on my lunch yesterday when I suddenly thought, I have just squashed my sandwiches.

My wife asked me what I thought about her breast reduction.
"Why can't we just have normal gravy instead of this Heston Blumenthal stuff?"

What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle?
A doughnut

I run a restaurant and i've been trying to get a company in to do a flavour audit.
But apparently there's no accounting for taste.

Fresh juicy strawberries, that you stick in your ears.
Thick creamy ice cream, dribbling down your chin.
Freshly baked biscuits, in your hair and under your wheelchair.
This isn't just food, this is M.S food.

I bought a bag of those 'builders breakfast' crisps today.
It struck me that I could taste eggs,bacon and sausages, seeing as most builders these days eat Przepraszamdlaczego.

I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me.

When I'm sad I like to cut myself...
...a nice slice of chocolate cake.

Walker's crisps are really missing out on the chance for a great trick with their latest "What's the flavour?" commercials.
If it was me, I'd have told that Muslim woman it was bacon flavour.

I was walking through the local shopping centre when a guy from
N-Power stopped me and asked where i get my energy from?
I don't think "Lucozade" was the answer he was looking for!!

Eddie Izzard makes the papers for completing 43 Marathons in 51 days.
I've eaten a Kit-Kat every day for the last 4 years, but do I get any recognition?

I complained to the waiter, "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup."
The waiter replied, "that could very well be, Sir, the cook used to be a tailor...."

Why is it okay to get your girlfriend make-up for her birthday, but Slimfast is a definite no-no?

The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England.
Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum.

I'm not fat, I'm just ready for the winter.

My life sucks, everyone I know is either getting, a promotion, a pay rise or laid.
I'm getting a coffee and it's not even for me.