Of all the nuts out there, pistachios are by far the worst behaved.
They all come from broken homes.
I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.
Ended up skipping dinner.
I came home from work and my wife put dinner on the table, and i said "What, was the dog not hungry?"
Some people say it's hard to get your 5-a-day into your diet but I had no problem doing mine by 11am this morning.
On the down side, I'm fresh out of cider.
Thank goodness for Oatso Simple. Gone are the days of having to pour milk on my porridge and heat it up every morning.
Now all I have to do is add milk to Oatso Simple and heat it up.
The only time it is ever acceptable for a man to cook.
I've just chucked out my flatmate for continually stealing my hot chocolate drinks.
He left me with very little Options.
A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I advised her to go with what her gut was telling her.
She went with Egg and Chips.
I like to break the rules, I'm the sort of guy who snaps his Kit-Kat in half horizontally rather than vertically.
I saw some woman breast feeding her baby in KFC today.
She even give him a few pieces of the popcorn chicken from the mega bucket.
I couldn't finish all my food so the waitress asked me, "Ecxuse me sir, do you wanna box for that?"
"No, but I'll armwrestle you for it." I replied
I had a panic in the kitchen the other day:
"We're getting very low on herbs and thyme is running out".
I just got back from a party at my friend Jamal's place. I felt a bit ill-at-ease being the only white guy there, but on the plus side the food was delicious, especially the fried chicken. Everyone at the party had a piece.
As I found out to my dismay when they realised Id eaten all the fried chicken.
I'm so conservative, when I go to KFC, I only order the right wings.
Last night, my wife asked me to put the dinner on.
I'm now recovering in a burns unit covered in lasagne.
I have just had the most amazing night.
This American girl I met just couldn't wait to get her mouth around my sausage. She finished it off in one minute flat, then kept coming back for more! This went on for two hours!
Mind you, I do work on a hotdog stand.
Apparently Pret a Manger give all their unsold food at the end of the day to the local homeless.
So essentially, by buying any of their pretentious products, you're taking food from the hungry.
The only drink to be an anagram of what it smells like.
My mate won a fortune on the lottery - spent the entire lot in a year at the local fish and chip shop,
just frittered it away..
So OXO have decided to print jokes on the side of their boxes...
They've just become a laughing stock.
I thought I'll be a good Christian this Good Friday and so I ate fish instead of meat for dinner.
Imagine my disappointment when I found out that dolphins are mammals.
Two Irish blokes walk into a pub.
"How many should we have this time?" asks the first one.
"Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn't finish the last one."
"Don't worry, this time we'll get only three. Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!"
I was delighted with my wife's reaction after she tasted the lovely biscuits I'd cooked her.
I knew she was allergic to nuts.
I was in a Chinese restaurant recently and I was thinking about how a small duck is called a duckling -- and I canceled my order of dumplings
Ever noticed how Americans pride themselves on their donuts?
Ever also noticed how British donuts traditionally don't have holes in the middle?
That's the donut industry saying, "OK, we realise you're not thick enough to buy half a donut, so here's a full one."