Things you will never hear at a McDonald's restaurant #32:
"These fries could use some salt."
I'm so good at cooking, even the fire alarm is cheering me on.
I love to get the brushes out and watch my five-year-old do some painting but if she keeps falling off the ladder she'll never finish that window.
My wife finds it offensive when I use the word 'puke', so why does she keep asking me what her cooking tastes like?
Standing there, shaking, with a crazy stare in her tearful eyes, my wife looked down at the charred remains of her latest victim.
I held her tightly, and whispered into her ear...
"Never mind love. I'll treat us to a takeaway instead."
Things you will never hear at a McDonald's restaurant #47:
"This Happy Meal toy is so well designed from such robust materials. Its fun too. I don't think I will ever get bored of it.
My mate must be the fattest and greediest git on the planet.
I went into a restaurant with him the other day and after looking at the menu for a couple of minutes he handed it back to the waiter and said "OK".
I tried my first kiwi fruit yesterday. It was hairier than I was expecting.
Still, he was a good kisser and had a nice, tight ring.
A woman was waiting for her meal in a Chinese restaurant and an elderly waiter began setting down chopsticks in front of her. The woman made a great show of pulling her own chopsticks out of her bag.' As an environmentalist I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests to provide disposable utensils.' she said.
The waiter picked up the woman's chopsticks and examined them, ' Very beautiful, ' he remarked, ' genuine ivory. '
A teaspoon of mince, 3 kidney beans and 5 grains of rice.
My mum made a mean chilli con carne.
What Is The Diffrence Between A Muslim And A Kebab...
I Like Kebabs.
When I realised the coffee wasn't working to keep me awake, I turned to speed.
Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes.
I was standing in the pub last night when the barman said,
"Johnny, that's your wife on the phone. She said if you aren't home in ten minutes, your dinner's going in the bin."
I replied, "Thank her for cutting out the middle man."
If time is money then instant coffee should be free.
The missus said we should try Subway at lunch time.
It makes sense, it's a lot safer than crossing a busy road.
Sickipedia don't do lager .
But if they did it would probably be the cheapest, nastiest lager in the world.
I get so turned on watching my wife make cheese on toast.
I love a bit of girl on grill action.
Two yanks in a Glasgow cafe, one asks for two horse steaks. The waitress says " we don`t eat horse over here."
The yank says "so how come that guy over there ordered mare soup?"
Bloke walks into a pub with a fried egg on his head.
Barman says, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
Bloke replies, "Coz, boiled eggs fall off."
I took my six year old boy swimming today. I left his armbands at home and naturally he started to worry that he might sink to the bottom of the pool.
Disaster averted though, I ran to the vending machine and bought two bags of Walkers crisps and tied them to his arms.
"It makes such a lovely change when you do the cooking" said my wife, tucking in to her dinner tonight.
"Why, because it's edible?" I replied.
"We bread our chicken with the same utensils you use to eat it" KFC proudly proclaim in their most recent magazine ad.
Well their last ad suggested they've been licking their fingers so I'm sticking with Burger King.
I just saw the KFC commercial where a man is surrounded by blacks, and looks scared. To put them in a good mood, he pulls out a bucket of fried chicken.
I see that whoever directs KFC commercials is a Sickipedian.
Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs...
Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.
My history teacher asked me who the Great Train Robbers are.
He wasn't happy when I replied "National Rail - 3 pound 50 for a cheese sandwich"