Told the wife to get her glad rags on tonight as I'm taking care of dinner, and I've promised her 'The Ritz'
I've never seen anyone get so excited over a box of crackers before.
When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum.
"Orange signs iPhone deal with Apple"
That has to be the healthiest headline ever.
When I got home from work today I asked the wife what she put on my sandwiches
"Crab paste, dear," she replied.
"Crab paste?" I replied. "Where did you get that from?"
"The Chemist," she replied.
I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge - I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute!
A man goes into a restaurant and asks, "Waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?"
"It's nothing special," he replies. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die!"
I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar.
"Oh God," she moaned, "you smell gorgeous. What is it?"
"Pies," I said.
I saw a bloke yesterday collecting horse muck, so I asked him what It was for.
He said, "I'm putting It on my rhubarb."
"That's odd", I replied, "I usually put custard on mine."
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
I rang my wife at work today and said, "Do you fancy going for a few drinks and something to eat after work?"
"Yes," she said, "I would love to."
I said, "Great, will you get a case of lager and three large pizzas, all the lads are coming round to play poker."
I don't understand the huge fuss over Levi Roots' Reggae Reggae sauce.
When I worked in McDonald's, I added my own "jerk seasoning" to the burgers for years.
I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover.
That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.
Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies.
My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up.
But was she grateful when I cooked one?!
After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme,
I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse.
Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab.
Greggs advert - "All our food is made with love"
I know an ice-cream man who went to jail for that.
The German football player Muller is not too good at shooting.
He is better at corners.
I was eating a packet of Walker's crisps the other day: Stephen Fry's Fry Up flavour. The first crisp tasted just like sausages, the second tasted exactly like eggs with tomato ketchup, but what did the third crisp taste of?
Trick question: of course there was no third crisp.
Did you know there?s a McDonald's opposite the Vatican?
Its disgusting having to look at that horrible place whilst trying to enjoy a Big Mac.
I bought some dry roasted peanuts from Tesco. I looked at the packet and it said "Warning. Contains Nuts". Luckily, this prevented me from eating them and going into anaphylactic shock due to my severe nut allergy.
My lactose intolerant friend wasn't so lucky, as the half pint of milk he bought from Tesco outrageously contained no such warning of its contents.
I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning.
One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers
A White Horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Here, mate, we've got a drink named after you!"
The horse says, "What, Steve?"
Smarties are launching special edition packs this Summer to commemorate the 5th anniversary of the 7/7 train bombings.
There's a 'black one' in every tube.
Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs.
20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.
I have discoved a great way to solve world hunger and world poverty in one simple step:
Feed the poor to the hungry.
Kinder Egg Surprise: "WARNING Toy Inside"
Yeah, kind of ruined the surprise there...