My son left me in charge of the catering for his 14h birthday party so I hired a naked woman to lie on a table covered in sushi.
"So how did it taste" I asked him
"It was horrible, slimy and stank of fish but the sushi was delicious thanks dad"
I've just invented a chocolate and hazelnut sweet that can go from nought to sixty in 4.5 seconds and reach speeds of 180mph.
I have this condition...
When I can't sleep all I want to do is eat..
...it's called Insom-nom-nom-nia
I called the waiter over in the French restaurant last night and said, "I think the frogs legs I ordered are undercooked."
"What makes you say that Sir."
"They've jumped onto a plate at the next table."
I went to a kebab shop the other day and got a doner.
Unfortunately my body rejected it
Villagers of a small remote African village get up early to to walk 5 miles to fetch clean water everyday, which begs the question....why don't they just move the village closer?
I berated a member of staff at McDonalds "You've charged me 40 quid for this meal when it says 3.99 on the menu".
"Yes, it's the Olympic Special" he explained.
3 is the magic number, succulent chicken, smoked bacon and crispy onions, three great ingredients from McDonald's. To which they've added lettuce, bread that won't go off for a month, "cheese" and a non descriptive sauce. Come on McDonald's admit it, 7 is better than 3!
My girlfriend has nicknamed me the Incredible Hunk. In keeping with the super hero theme I've named the lazy, fat, crisp-munching slag - Golden Wonder Woman.
We've just had some guests round for the wife's famous Sunday dinner...
To be fair, countless have gone on to lead a fairly normal life.
Sky News : "Two Million Dead Fish Found In Maryland"
Well, that's me off the cookies for a few months.
Two guys attacked me the other day - one threw baking soda on me while the other sprinkled me with vinegar.
I think they wanted a reaction
The staff in McDonald's aren't allowed to wear rings on their fingers.
It's not a hygiene thing - it's so they don't scratch the floor tiles when they knuckle drag.
My wife cried when I gave her a birthday present. I knew onions would be a hit.
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his mum was a wafer too long.
What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark infested custard.
I don't know why small chocolates called 'fun sized'? if i called a midget fun sized, he'd kick off.
I'm suing Um Bongo for false advertising,
they claim it to be drunk in the Congo, but when I went there all they seemed to drink was unsafe water.
Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.
Oh, this won't be long, sir. You see the spider on the plate's edge?
What do you call a guy playing snooker with a pint on his head?
A famous American proverb states;
'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get'
I'd have thought even the dumbest American could work out what they might get inside a box of CHOCOLATES
'It's so small....' she says.
'I've seen similar things that will do the same job, but bigger' my wife moans.
'I can get the whole thing in my mouth without even trying'.
I wish yacult would just make a bigger bottle so she'd shut up
Well I was going to drink Magner's cider irresponsibly, but in the top right hand corner there was a tiny sign in white writing which read 'Drink sensibly'. So I did.
"Now with real ingredients", read the pack of Walkers I was eating.
To my annoyance, 80% of the packet was still with imaginary ingredients, though.
It may be that Tropicana is the favourite breakfast drink of New Yorkers, But lets be honest, How many Americans actually wake up and think to themselves, 'I'm going to have a natural fruit drink today?'