It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream...,
or 9-volt batteries.

My wife asked me to describe her as a food.
I opted for Yorkshire pudding.
What about a jam roly poly??

I like my women how I like my kit-kats.
Chunky.

BBC News - 'Our pub's about to shut?!?'
They're shut now, its nearly three in the morning.

I was sitting having a quiet pint, minding my own business when the door flew open.
"Excuse me sir" said this policeman, "You know it's illegal to drink alcohol on the hard shoulder?"

I was recently fired from my job at the OXO factory.
I was eating all of the stock.

I had a Wimpey breakfast this morning.
A yoghurt and a rivita.

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant curry, when I woke up my Pilau was missing.

News Headline: Hitler drinking game probed by Huddersfield university.
Anyone else read this story for the simple purpose of finding out how it is played?

Since the birth of my first baby I've had endless sleepless nights...
These new 24 drinking laws are great!

Drinking tropical juice out of the carton is probably the nearest I'll ever get to getting off with a Caribbean girl.

A man in a fish restaurant is waiting for his meal. The waiter comes over and says, "I'm sorry for the delay with your order, sir. It should be with you shortly." The man replies, "That's okay, but if you don't mind me asking, what sort of bait are you using?"

My guinea pigs are so sweet.
Which is strange as most people consider them as a savoury item.

On the way home from the pub last night, I lost control and slammed into a brick wall.
At least I wasn't driving.

Calling it "Little Chef" is false advertising, isn't it?
I think "Mong with a Microwave" would be more fitting.

I have just made my first Sticky Toffee Pudding.
Well it was supposed to be just a Toffee Pudding but I got a bit over excited.

I went into my local Indian restaurant, '10.95 eat whatever you like'.
I sat down and said, "I like pizza".

I said to the wife, "I've been to Asda today and I got three, yes, three, trolleys full of food for 7 quid. Beat that then."
She said, "Good for you!"
I said, "No, smart price."

A survey at my workplace was conducted to see how people travelled to work each day.
You had to choose from Cars, Bikers, Trains or walkers and then put your answer in a corresponding bag to be counted.
Needless to say, the walkers bag was empty.

I'm inviting my new girlfriend round mine for dinner tonight, but I told her my cooking skills are rubbish, and asked her what sort of food she likes.
She said, "I like plain and simple food, and nothing messed around with."
Pot Noodle it is then.

I just got my son a KFC Bargain Bucket for his birthday.
Its great, all he can eat and something to play with on the beach afterwards.

Is it me, or did Coco-Pops put a monkey on their box on purpose?

Apparently, Eskimos have over a thousand different words for snow.
Does this mean that Americans have a thousand different words for doughnut?

Why DO they call it a 'Selection Box' when you eat them all in the end eventually??
Might as well call a bag of Maltesers a 'Selection Bag'.

Now I'm not going to brag, but the chips I make at my chip shop are so good they've been in The Mirror, The Sun and many other newspapers.