I went into KFC the other day and asked for some Bingo Wings.
"Sorry sir, we don't do those."
I said "well my wife's in here all the time, and you've given her some."
As the Chief Executive of McDonald's I thought it would be a good idea to work undercover in one of our restaurants.
I thought this would be a great opportunity to see how things are actually run on a day to day basis.
So as anybody would, I had to go for an interview to get the job.
I didn't get it, apparently I'm too White.
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
Which is convenient, because a new kebab shop's just opened in town.
Rumour has it, Fish is Good for you.
Tell that to my wife when it comes to foreplay.
In a recent survey of 'food' that apparently 'Taste like chicken', Rat came an easy first, with Frogs legs a close second.
KFC's 'popcorn chicken', came last.
I spent ages beating the meat yesterday.
Suddenly, I thought "This is an unusual way to prepare a bacon sandwich...".
I have written a song about my addiction to red wine.
"Life is a Cabernet."
"Where are you going to take me for my Birthday?" my wife asked.
I said, "You know that expensive restaurant down the road?"
"Yeah!!" she replied.
"Well, there's an amazing kebab shop next to it..."
I recently applied for a job at a restaurant and was outraged when they didn't give me it, claiming that my food was far too salty
I just couldn't believe it, I thought I was a seasoned professional...
My yoghurt was obviously feeling the cold in the fridge.
It's now wearing a cute little green fur coat.
Me and the wife did a bit of role play earlier.
She was ham salad and I was cheese and pickle
It's not even tea time yet and I've already had my 5 a day: An orange, some cherries, a banana, a grapefruit and some strawberries.
But still no nudge, hold or payout.
I was watching the local news the other day and a big story was taking the headlines:
"Mystery man abducts his 4th victim. On Monday Mr. McVities was abducted and then on Wednesday Mr. Fox and Mrs. Oreo were kidnapped. And now his lastest victim, Richard Tea was abducted from his home earlier today."
I thought "This man is taking the biscuit."
Isn't it strange how Burger King released a new burger just one day after they gave me less hours to work?
It's called 'The Big Spit'.
My mate was making loads of noise with a wine bottle earlier and it was really annoying.
I told him to put a cork in it.
Went to a traditional French restaurant for dinner last night.
I had Shergar for starters, Desert Orchid for main and Red Rum for dessert.
It was very much a case of horses for courses.
Here's an idea for in the future Greggs.Why not put a sticker on your ham salad sandwiches along the lines of :
"May or may not contain traces of ham"
Just sorted out a dripping tap in the kitchen.
There's nothing quite like cow fat on demand.
My wife said she was getting tired of doing the same thing everyday and asked if we could try new things.
So i bought her a toasted sandwich maker.
I've been having a snowball fight with the kids in the park.
Wife's going to hit the roof when she finds her Advocaat gone.
My wife cooked steak and chips tonight and it was just like what I get at my local Weatherspoons...
Cold and dry.
"What's got you all hot and bothered?" my wife purred as I burst into the bedroom sweating and panting.
"You've burnt dinner again and the kitchen's on fire!" I replied.
On my way out the door, the wife has just shouted, "It's earth day, today."
I said, " It's always earth day but can we have it with chips tonight instead."
What do you call the equipment you use to rush Barcadi, Pineapple and Coconut together at speed?
A large Pina Collider.
All my mates think I'm bonkers, but I just can't help thinking that there's something really wrong about putting an egg on a chicken burger.