Todays top tip for dealing with a water shortage:
If you buy economy bacon from ASDA and cook it on the hob, you end up with a pan full of water.
Want to get rich quick?
Sell beer at an AA meeting.
Me and the wife opened a real can of worms earlier.
I think it's safe to say that's the last time we'll shop at Netto.
Thanks to Weight Watchers, I have lost 50 pounds in a week!
Now I just have to start losing weight.
Dear Captain Birdseye,
Your Chicken Curry is really nice; when will you be putting Chicken in it?
Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, Terry's Chocolate Orange, Strawberry Cheese Cake, Lemon Sherberts and Onion Rings.
Americans just love getting their 5 a day.
I had a Picnic with the wife and kids earlier.
Times are hard when you have to share a chocolate bar between five people.
My wife's affair is driving me to drink.
Her boyfriend is giving me a lift to the pub.
We had an Indian take-away delivered last night, Now the fridge stinks of curry.
I guess we should dump the body before they start looking for their driver.
"I'll have a ham and anchovy pizza, please, but go easy on the anchovies."
"I'm sorry, sir. Our anchovies are already dead."
I bet the wife that she couldn't make herself some underwear out of sweets.
Fair play though, she's worked out a way to do it... Smartie pants.
I got so drunk last night that some one put me in the recovery position.
This morning I woke up on the back of an R.A.C. Truck.
Just noticed, 'Nice with strawberries', on the side of my Shredded Wheat box.
That's because strawberries are nice,
you don't see on the side of a box of strawberries, 'Nice with Shredded Wheat'.
Walkers win a tenner every time you predict it'll rain, everybody in Scotland will be able to retire by December 2018.
Since my wife left, it's really allowed me to experiment with cooking.
Tonight I'm having wraps filled with fish fingers and chocolate spread.
I've invented a new unit of time, between putting some chicken in your mouth and realising you don't like piri piri sauce.
It's a nandosecond.
I was on Masterchef yesterday when John Torode came over to taste my meal.
When John put a fork full of food into his mouth he said, "Wow! I can taste the tender shredded chicken which is making my taste buds explode, followed by that rich stock combined with soy sauce. Then you have the crisp spring onion which explodes absolutely brilliantly with that stunning fresh sweet corn. Fantastic! What do you call it?"
"Pot noodle, in a bowl."
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!
This IS an African restaurant, Sir.
My new boss asked if I wanted to go get some Chinese for lunch. I replied, "Absolutely.... wait, you mean food, right?" He awkwardly said, 'yes'.
I can't imagine what people who don't get my type of humor must think about me.
How many men does it take to make a bacon sandwich?
Trick question, thats a womans job.
After months of searching, I eventually found a McDonald's Instant Win.
There was a group of Chavs hanging round my house, so I bombarded them with potatoes.
What do you get hanging from a banana tree?
London 2012 Olympic; promoting healthy living by being sponsored by McDonald's, Coca Cola and Cadbury's
Welcome to England everybody.