Walkers Crisps: Now with 50% less fat! ... Does this mean they've reduced the contents to just 1?

"What are you chewing?"
"Apple seeds."
"What's the point in that?"
"They make you more intelligent."
"Oh. Could you give me a couple then?"
"Sure. One pound per seed."
"Hmm. OK. I'll take five."
After chewing for a while ...
"You know, I could buy a lot of apples for a fiver ..."
"See? The seeds are working already."

The traditional Haggis recipe is quite simple.
1) Turn a sheep inside out.
2) Cook.

As a black law graduate I now have to attend 12 formal dinners in order to progress to the next stage of my career.
And once I?ve done these McDonald's have promised to put me in charge of fries.

I took this girl to a fancy restaurant and tried to impress her by ordering in Italian.
It was awkward. Apparently there's no Italian word for Lamb Biryani.

I have just proposed to my girlfriend with an onion ring.
She cried, bless her.

Just bought a trifle for easter from tesco. There was a little notice saying the instructions were on the underside.
Instructions: 1. DO NOT TURN OVER
Every little helps.

I really like green olives but I'm not a big fan of black olives.
For some reason, they just don't work for me.

The lonely woman's shopping list
Wine. Ice Cream. Batteries.

I went to a cafe and ordered a cup of tea today. The waitress came back with a cup of lukewarm water, a jug of milk, some sugar and a teabag.
So when she asked for the money I gave her the 'situations vacant' page from the local paper and told her to make her own.

You know it's time to sort your life out when you purposely undercook pizzas just so it cheers you up when you get to a warm bit.

I gave my wife a good kicking after drinking 12 pints of Fosters. I felt totally disgusted with myself.... I usually drink Stella

I've got a Arab friend who suffers from Parkinson's but loves drinking Nesquik.
We call him the Milk Sheikh.

I've been watching a TV series about how fish live their lives....
I'm totally hooked.

It makes me sick how children get so excited about fast food.
I've just seen 2 young boys burst through the door of KFC and run to the counter to order food.
However, a gun seemed a funny method of payment.

My friends have told me that they'll stop talking to me unless I stop telling the "Carlsberg don't do..." jokes from sickipedia.
I guess you know who your mates are.

"My mum says you are what you eat"
"So if you eat runner beans you'll become a runner"
"And if you eat... what's this then?"
"Cabbage, dear"

Q: What do you call two Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads?
A: Double Cheese Burkha.
Q: What do you call two smelly Muslim women with slices of cheddar on thier heads?
A Double Cheese Burkha with Flies.

I've created a recipe for 'herb bread' which makes a 9" baguette.
I call it Dill dough.

I can almost picture it perfectly... A young girl holding a can of Dr.Pepper, when her friend turns round and says, 'go on Rebecca, post your video on youtube, what's the worst that could happen?'

Sat next to my wife, I slowly took out my fingers and they gave off a strong, fishy smell.
I'm writing my letter of complaint to Cadbury as we speak.

Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.

I was shocked today to find my first grey pubic hair.
It was in my Big Mac meal.

Walked into a cafe the other day and ordered Sausage on toast.
The little old lady behind the counted asked "what do you like on you sausage?"
I replied "Lipstick"

To celebrate 250 year of Guinness, the 24th of September is going to be called "Arthur Guinness Day."
I think I would prefer a whole pint.