I bought some chocolate fingers in Norfolk but they were all stuck together.
The Chinese Prime Minister walks into Macdonalds, and asks for a Big Mac
The waiter asks if he'd like anything else
To which he replies, "yes, i could murder a shaikh"
I'm amazed at the idea of the fat failure behind the counter being described as a 'waiter'
Typhoo tea : Surely it should be named Typhoon.
Now that really would be a storm in a teacup
Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner?
I know Iams
Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich.
I didn't Winalot.
I think my Korean penpal has misunderstood when I last said 'I loved dogs' ...
I certainly didn't expect this recipe book in the post today
What's the difference between The Royal Family and my breakfast?
My breakfast is full English.
I don't understand how there can be a cereal called Shredded Wheat that is advertised on the box as being '100% whole wheat'.
Surely either it's shredded or it's whole?
An Englishman walks into a McDonald's restaurant in New York.
The spotty kid behind the counter says, "We serve breakfast at any time sir."
To which the Englishman replies, "I'll have the French toast during the Renaissance then fatty."
A policeman stopped me in the street for "Acting suspiciously". He sneered "What seems to be the rush, Sir?"
I said "I've got to get home. I've got a bone on."
He slapped me in handcuffs, read my rights and arrested me for indecent behaviour.
I'm not going to sue, but when I got home from the station the next morning the saucepan was welded to the cooker and my chicken stock was ruined.
I can't believe how easy it is to offend black people.
I mean, who DOESN'T love fried chicken and watermelon?
Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?
Because it went straight pasta.
I was in McDonald's yesterday and saw a bloke kissing his Big Mac and rubbing it on his crotch.
I said to him "Are you going to eat that?".
He says "No, I'm lovin' it"..
After a painful visit to the dentist this morning I couldn't eat my jacket potato for lunch today.
"Did you have a filling?"
"Cheese and beans"
Do you ever find that when looking after toddler, you have the same conversations as when looking after your drunk friend after a night out?
1. Whats wrong dude, why are you crying?
2. What is he saying? I dunno, what are you saying?
3. Are you hungry? Do you think he wants to eat?
4. Come on, try to walk...he can't walk
5. Oh my god he threw up
6. Why is he naked? Who took his clothes off, did you take your clothes off?
I went to a restaurant the other night and outside they had a sign saying: "No dogs allowed apart from seeing eye dogs"
I couldn't help but wonder; Is that for the dog or for the blind person to read!?
Man walks into a bar and gets served.
Obviously not a Wetherspoons pub then.
I cracked open one of my boiled eggs this morning to find a half developed chick inside.
It was absolutely disgusting, it didn't even taste anything like chicken.
I recently saw a friend of mine pour milk into a bowl and then add the cereal afterwards.
Needless to say, we're not friends anymore.
Next time you eat egg, just keep in mind.....you're eating a chicken's period.
Things you will never hear at a McDonald's restaurant #17:
"Wow, it looks just like the picture!"
Life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get unless you choose your own selection and use the clear descriptions on the packaging along with helpful photographs of each individual type so you don't get confused.
"What do you do?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."
I burnt 600 calories last night.
Left my pizza in the oven for too long.
I was on the bus today, struggling with a crossword. When a drunk man came up to me and said you know 7up is lemonade.
My wife's on a new diet where she only eats fruit and my house is full of the stuff.
It's enough to make a mango crazy.