Dear Subway,
We are losing 2-0 and getting played off the park, what sub have you got for that?
Regards,
Chris Houghton
Newcastle United manager

If a vegetarian becomes a Zombie...do they only eat people in comas?

I told my wife to make me a sandwich and she responded snarkily, "I'll make you a sandwich when pigs fly".
I threw her off the top of the roof a half hour ago, and still haven't got my sandwich.

I went outside this morning and a cup fell out of the sky and smashed on my head.. and then another cup smashed on the floor in front of me and another one on my shoulder. I went back inside the house and my girlfriend said "what's the weather like?"
"It's a bit muggy!" I said.

Thousands of people in the Greek town Marathon have had to leave their houses due to the town being surronded by fire!
The mayor of Marathon , Spyros Zagaris commented that this was just another attempt by the government to try to rename the town to "Snickers".

When I was in Thailand, I saw a place where you could eat the brain of a freshly killed monkey for 200 Baht.
I've never been so appalled in my life.
Thats nearly four quid.

On wafer packets how do they describe how thin the wafer is?

I told my wife that I was going to take her out for an anniversary meal tonight and she said, "What, McDonald's?"
I couldn't believe she thinks I'm so cheap. We're going to Burger King.

Cheese in cheesecake?
Cream in cream crackers?
What's next? Meat in Tesco Value sausages?

I was in McDonald's yesterday when this big bloke who must have been about 7ft walked in and asked for a cheeseburger.
I thought to myself, "That's a tall order."

Can anyone help me?
The wife's away for the weekend, and she told me that if I got hungry just to put something in the oven.
My shoes have been in there for two hours now and I'm still starving.

The other day my mate said to me, "If I was a McDonald's meal, which one would I be?"
So I stopped and thought for a little while and replied, "A Fillet-O-Fish: you're always there but no one really likes you."

I love the new flavoured milks you can buy these days.
My personal favourites are 'banana', 'strawberry', and 'missing girl' flavour.

Whoever came up with the Caffrey's slogan "Strong words, softly spoken" has obviously never been to an Irish bar.
Surely "Strong words, shouted incoherently" would be more apt.

My Grandad once told me that I should always drink to remember, not to forget.
At least I think it was my Grandad.

Try saying the word 'Maltesers' with one in your mouth....
It just rolls off your tongue.

KFC are having a laugh! when they say their Mega Bucket is the biggest you can buy! My wife's is twice as big.. And its all you can eat for a fiver..

Why are black birds pink inside?
Well to be honest it depends how long you cook the pie for.

I pulled a fat bird in McDonald's last night.
I pulled her off my Big Mac and fries.

On the KFC advert there isn't a single black person working or eating there, I never knew such a place existed.

I love apple juice. If only they made it in some sort of solid, portable form.....

I had an all day breakfast today, I must say I was a bit disappointed.
It only lasted 15 minutes.

I popped down to my local for 'Happy Hour'.
The other 23 are spent with my wife.

When's my Dolmio day?
When I lose the ability to open a tin of chopped tomatoes and crush some garlic.

Im on a vodka diet. So far, i've lost 3 days, two mates, one dog and my house keys.