It was two weeks before my wife's birthday and she gave the daily nagging to say how I don't treat her and show affection for the 20 years we've been married, so I booked us this restaurant in the high street just so she would see how I do care for her. On the night we went in and sat down on a special table on the top floor looking out from the balcony to see the whole city.
"This is nice, all these years I thought you didn't know me and suddenly you bring me to this beautiful restaurant with this gorgeous view, thanks Darren, plus I love this food! What's this place call--eerrhgh orghh...."
Turns out the restaurant was Korean and that my wife was allergic to dogs...
I've just seen an old guy collecting Tesco trolleys and I reckon he needs to stop showing off at his age.
He's pushing 60.
Mirrors can't talk....
Luckily for some people they can't laugh either
I didnt realise i had a broken wallet until finally one day...
The Penny Dropped.
Paddy and Murphy are sitting on a train one afternoon when this beautiful blonde girl gets on and sits opposite them.
"I think she likes you Paddy" whispered Murphy,
True enough, the blonde girl began winking and licking her lips at Paddy.
As their stop approached, Paddy pulls out a bit of paper, scribbles on it and blows the girl a kiss as the boys step off the train.
"What was that Paddy?" asked Murphy,
"I gave her me number" Paddy replied,
"Do you think she'll call?" quizzed Murphy,
"Don't be stupid!" said Paddy, "Of course she won't call!...
She'll knock. I gave her our door number".
Of my two ex-wives, the one I hate the most was the one who left me for another women.
I think of her as the lezza of two evils.
My relationship with women ironically mirrors my taste in Country Music.
In both cases, it's Cash only.
I'm always getting a hard time. I try to turn a blind eye to people who mock my poor vision. I will not hear another word said about my deafness.
And I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish i wasn't born mute.
I'm getting married next week but I've heard there's going to be a big fight.
May the Best Man win.
If there's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call?
I left a sign outside my house that said "Beware of the dog".
Days later, despite the sign -the postman had knocked on the door. Before I could tell him to run away, a huge dog appeared; growling and drooling.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?!" My wife said.
"Your best mate's mum who lives across the street has lost a lot of weight" I said to my daughter.. She said "You've got your binoculars the wrong way round dad."
I asked a fat guy "is it easy to get fat"
He replied, "piece of cake".
Whats the worst thing about learning a joke on Sickipedia?
Not being able to post it on Sickipedia.
3 Scousers and an angry black man are riding around in a black van
It must be the Ay Team
Has anybody else ever felt bad about a racist joke they've ever written or read?
No me neither
I went for a poo at pauls and all i got was this lousy black eye.
I'm not saying my ginger girlfriend needs a trim down below.
But, when I whipped off her panties, it resembled the Australian Bush fires from a bird's eye view.
I treat my jokes like my children.
I fiddle with them until I'm satisfied.
Me and my brother were on a car journey when I turned to him and said "You know when people say something that builds up like a joke but don't say anything afterwards?" "yeah, right?" he replied.
We sat in silence the rest of the journey.
I've always had a thing about women in uniform, so I didn't hesitate when the WPC was being nice to me.
"Can I buy you a drink later?" I asked.
"I think we should probably wait until you've identified your wife's body," she replied.
In support of the strikes today the London ramblers will not be walking out
I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says "Why are those crisp bags so big"? I said "they're made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in"
When I was in the army we adopted a stray dog and taught him how to play fetch.
He was a friendly old thing and all the lads got really fond of him. Shame we had to shoot him when he got loose during grenade practise.
My dad is like Adolf Hitler.
In that I have never met him.