Joke Joke

It was two weeks before my wife's birthday and she gave the daily nagging to say how I don't treat her and show affection for the 20 years we've been married, so I booked us this restaurant in the high street just so she would see how I do care for her. On the night we went in and sat down on a special table on the top floor looking out from the balcony to see the whole city.
"This is nice, all these years I thought you didn't know me and suddenly you bring me to this beautiful restaurant with this gorgeous view, thanks Darren, plus I love this food! What's this place call--eerrhgh orghh...."
Turns out the restaurant was Korean and that my wife was allergic to dogs...

Joke Joke

I've just seen an old guy collecting Tesco trolleys and I reckon he needs to stop showing off at his age.
He's pushing 60.

Joke Joke

Mirrors can't talk....
Luckily for some people they can't laugh either

Joke Joke

I didnt realise i had a broken wallet until finally one day...
The Penny Dropped.

Joke Joke

Paddy and Murphy are sitting on a train one afternoon when this beautiful blonde girl gets on and sits opposite them.
"I think she likes you Paddy" whispered Murphy,
True enough, the blonde girl began winking and licking her lips at Paddy.
As their stop approached, Paddy pulls out a bit of paper, scribbles on it and blows the girl a kiss as the boys step off the train.
"What was that Paddy?" asked Murphy,
"I gave her me number" Paddy replied,
"Do you think she'll call?" quizzed Murphy,
"Don't be stupid!" said Paddy, "Of course she won't call!...
She'll knock. I gave her our door number".

Joke Joke

Of my two ex-wives, the one I hate the most was the one who left me for another women.
I think of her as the lezza of two evils.

Joke Joke

My relationship with women ironically mirrors my taste in Country Music.
In both cases, it's Cash only.

Joke Joke

I'm always getting a hard time. I try to turn a blind eye to people who mock my poor vision. I will not hear another word said about my deafness.
And I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish i wasn't born mute.

Joke Joke

I'm getting married next week but I've heard there's going to be a big fight.
May the Best Man win.

Joke Joke

If there's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call?
The Police.

Joke Joke

I left a sign outside my house that said "Beware of the dog".
Days later, despite the sign -the postman had knocked on the door. Before I could tell him to run away, a huge dog appeared; growling and drooling.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?!" My wife said.

Joke Joke

"Your best mate's mum who lives across the street has lost a lot of weight" I said to my daughter.. She said "You've got your binoculars the wrong way round dad."

Joke Joke

I asked a fat guy "is it easy to get fat"
He replied, "piece of cake".

Joke Joke

Whats the worst thing about learning a joke on Sickipedia?
Not being able to post it on Sickipedia.

Joke Joke

3 Scousers and an angry black man are riding around in a black van
It must be the Ay Team

Joke Joke

Has anybody else ever felt bad about a racist joke they've ever written or read?
No me neither

Joke Joke

I went for a poo at pauls and all i got was this lousy black eye.

Joke Joke

I'm not saying my ginger girlfriend needs a trim down below.
But, when I whipped off her panties, it resembled the Australian Bush fires from a bird's eye view.

Joke Joke

I treat my jokes like my children.
I fiddle with them until I'm satisfied.

Joke Joke

Me and my brother were on a car journey when I turned to him and said "You know when people say something that builds up like a joke but don't say anything afterwards?" "yeah, right?" he replied.
We sat in silence the rest of the journey.

Joke Joke

I've always had a thing about women in uniform, so I didn't hesitate when the WPC was being nice to me.
"Can I buy you a drink later?" I asked.
"I think we should probably wait until you've identified your wife's body," she replied.

Joke Joke

In support of the strikes today the London ramblers will not be walking out

Joke Joke

I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says "Why are those crisp bags so big"? I said "they're made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in"

Joke Joke

When I was in the army we adopted a stray dog and taught him how to play fetch.
He was a friendly old thing and all the lads got really fond of him. Shame we had to shoot him when he got loose during grenade practise.

Joke Joke

My dad is like Adolf Hitler.
In that I have never met him.