Joke Joke

Conned some tramps out of their last few quid the other day........ i must stop playing silly beggars.

Joke Joke

I think i'll try moonwalking the next time someone asks me to do a Michael Jackson impression................ It didn't go down very well with my wife's mate when i dangled her baby over our balcony.

Joke Joke

I've had a lot of experience at delivering jokes.
I used to be Joe Pasquale's postman.

Joke Joke

My mate asked me if i could help him fix his clock.
so I gave him a hand.

Joke Joke

Women who loudly and publicly announce their time of the month should be shot. PERIOD.

Joke Joke

I was really comfy sat on the bus today.
Then I slid off and fell onto the road.

Joke Joke

A chicken walks into a bar and the barman says to the chicken "Do you want anything to drink?"
The chicken says "Of course I do. What do you think I crossed the road for?"

Joke Joke

I wished my friend a Happy Goth Day.
He didn't seem very happy about it

Joke Joke

I'm fed up with everytime i throw a house party the place gets wrecked! so i've started getting a deposit at the door, best idea ever! And if anything was to get wrecked, well at least i'll have a nice collection of bra's and tops....

Joke Joke

I've spent most of my life farting into cans but i'm starting to realise I should probably stop as it's not normal behaviour.
Especially since I still haven't received any royalties from Lynx.

Joke Joke

Been having '5-A-Day' for a while now, and starting to get blisters on my right hand.
I don't feel any healthier?

Joke Joke

Your Mum's So Small, She Has To Slam Dunk Her Bus Fare!

Joke Joke

Being mute is nothing to shout about.

Joke Joke

I just got in from work, went upstairs to get changed and found my wife in bed with a medievil play actor
"it meant nothing", she said, "Just a one knight stand"

Joke Joke

I've just been to court where my friend was given Nine life sentences.
I think that is really harsh, just for running over a cat.

Joke Joke

May is national egg month and national asparagus month.
So i guess its also national "i'd give it 5 minutes before you go in there" month

Joke Joke

I was on the bus today when a young mother asked me "Do you mind if I breast feed?"
I said "No that's fine, but don't suck my nipple too hard"

Joke Joke

My friends are constantly making fun of me because of how gullible I am.
We'll see who's laughing when I'm earning 437 a day from the comfort of my own home.

Joke Joke

I got kicked out of the theatre last night for abusive heckling.
Now I've got to explain my actions to the Hospital Board and fellow surgeons.

Joke Joke

I take my hat off to my barber.
Makes it easier for him to cut my hair.

Joke Joke

I thought Marco Simoncelli died this morning?
He seems to be doing alright in the centre of Chelsea's defence

Joke Joke

"What are you making?" asked the cannibal.
"Korean soup," replied his friend, "Try some."
"That's nice. How many Koreans did you use?"
"Only two. You know what they say... Too many gooks spoil the broth."

Joke Joke

I like to imagine Che Guevara joining Twitter, agonising over which picture to use as his avatar.

Joke Joke

My lawyer was supposed to give his closing statement when suddenly I heard him snoring next to me.
I woke him up and went,"Mate,what do you think you're doing?"
He went,"The defence rests."

Joke Joke

I recently got sacked from my job as a hospital radio DJ.
Apparently playing stairway to heaven isn't acceptable.