BBC news: alcohol "more harmful than crack or heroin"
So before you buy your next pint, think about your body and smack up instead.

A man in a wheelchair was shouting at a man yesterday in the supermarket for no apparent reason. He was being so aggressive towards the man I thought I better intervene. All I said was "Step off." and I was painted as the bad guy.

Facebook Status Shuffle:
For those who need help.

2 flies playing football in a saucer
one says to the other "we better improve by next week cos we'll be playing in the cup"

I watched as the Paramedic carried the box marked "Human Organ" into the ward, and I felt elated. Suddenly, he tripped and the box went flying.
My heart dropped.

What goes 'Ha-ha-ha-ha-thump'?
A leper laughing his head off.

My anti-itching powder hasn't worked........... So i'm starting again from scratch.

My mate asked me to look after his detective agency while he goes abroad on a surveillance mission.
I told him to mind his own business.

While I was captain of the Starship Enterprise, my chief physician was captured by two rock groups from Planet Metal and interrogated.
I wasn't worried.
Styx and Stones won't break my Bones.

My mate give me this weird pen the other day.
I started writing before a gang of people, a dog and a van popped out the end of it. I was so confused.
Must've been mystery ink.

My hopes of getting a job are fading quicker than two toddlers trying to escape a house fire.

That's the thing about indifference - I can take it or leave it.

Anyone seen that Jamrags site?
They're stealing all our good jokes!

Michael Shields is worried that what with his reputation and just being released from prison, he won't be able to find employment.
His mam has told him that he could always try his hand at being a brickie

Wallace is remembered in Scotland as a patriot and national hero.
Most English men prefer Gromit.

What goes: Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, White?
Kermit the Frog Masturbating.

My girlfriend accused me of being a tramp the other day.
I almost choked on the kebab i'd found.

Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic

"Burger King sold for 3.36bn"
Once the munchies wore off I bet he was gutted.

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?
NO

Everyone always says that I have a dark sense of humour.
Bit harsh, I tell fat jokes as well.

Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory?
He just stood around all day making faces.

My wife doesn't get irony.
Its a game I invented to get crease-less shirts out of her.

Had a top secret meeting with all the dimensions in the universe to discuss what will happen in the future.
I think only time will tell.

In America there was a fitness craze that combined a fast walk with a jog.
I'm always bemused that "Wogging" never really took off in this country.