My mate asked me what I got for Father's Day.
"I got a golf ball," I replied.
"A golf ball. That doesn't sound much of a present!"
"Well that's where you're wrong," I said, "This golf ball is impossible to lose and even floats if you hit into water."
"OK, I take it back. It sounds like a great present."
"Not really," I replied, "I don't even play golf."
I went to my G.P earlier:
"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a battery."
"Are you positive?"
"Yeah" I said, "at one end."
I had a serious conversation with the wife today.
"You haven't done anything to make me feel special lately!" she said.
"Quite the opposite, my dear, thanks to me, you are very popular on sickipedia.org!"
Cairo slum dubbed Garbage City.
Obviously never been to Portsmouth
I was at the doctor's the other day and he asked me "Have you ever broken any bones?"
I replied, "Yes, 213 last time I checked"
"By god, man! You should be dead!"
"Oh, don't worry, none of them were mine..."
I used to have an obsession with theatres
But i'm past that stage now
I've had enough of being a teacher. Today I've been sworn at on three occasions, told several people to stop smoking and broken up two fights..
And that was just in the Staff Room.
They say alcohol kills slowly.. So what? Who's in a hurry.
If my girlfriend sucked as much as my jokes, I wouldn't have the time to be posting them here.
What is BA + NA?
My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg.
SKYNEWS- Toyota are stopping at nothing to get things back in order.
Your mum has been fingered more times than a black guy in an ID parade.
I pulled an ugly fat bird last night.
I said to her, "Do you fancy seeing my flat tonight?"
She replied "Yes".
So I walked her round to the carpark and showed her a deflated tyre".
She looked at me and said, "Please tell me you're joking?"
I laughed and said, "Of course I am, I haven't even got a car".
I heard they were doing a funeral for the 70lb fish Two Tone.
Cremate or Barbeque?
What's crucial when telling a joke?
More females to pilot planes?... It'll never take off.
So, how does this work? Do I HAVE to remember the jokes from two weeks ago and be the first person that day to repeat them again or am I allowed to make something new up???
Think I've got Parkinson's disease.
I keep sending pens to people over 50.
Someone stole my fake Christmas tree.
Its not fir.
I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend that used to be a lollipop lady but we broke up because of problems in bed. When i put my stick up we started but we had to stop when she put her stick up.
I was about to get in the shower this morning, when I noticed it was making an odd buzzing noise. There's no way I was going to get in, knowing the danger of electricity and water, so I took the safest approach.
I went back to bed and let the wife try it first.
There once was a buggy A.I. who decided her subject should die. When the plot was uncovered the subject discovered that sadly. THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!!
High fives. Mocking people with four fingers for hundreds of years.
Bruce Willis,Nick Nolte,Steven Seagal,Gerard Butler and Vinnie Jones were all in the audience for my stand up comedy gig the other night.......... It was a tough crowd.