Joke Joke

My mate asked me what I got for Father's Day.
"I got a golf ball," I replied.
"A golf ball. That doesn't sound much of a present!"
"Well that's where you're wrong," I said, "This golf ball is impossible to lose and even floats if you hit into water."
"OK, I take it back. It sounds like a great present."
"Not really," I replied, "I don't even play golf."

Joke Joke

I went to my G.P earlier:
"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a battery."
"Are you positive?"
"Yeah" I said, "at one end."

Joke Joke

I had a serious conversation with the wife today.
"You haven't done anything to make me feel special lately!" she said.
"Quite the opposite, my dear, thanks to me, you are very popular on sickipedia.org!"

Joke Joke

Cairo slum dubbed Garbage City.
Obviously never been to Portsmouth

Joke Joke

I was at the doctor's the other day and he asked me "Have you ever broken any bones?"
I replied, "Yes, 213 last time I checked"
"By god, man! You should be dead!"
"Oh, don't worry, none of them were mine..."

Joke Joke

I used to have an obsession with theatres
But i'm past that stage now

Joke Joke

I've had enough of being a teacher. Today I've been sworn at on three occasions, told several people to stop smoking and broken up two fights..
And that was just in the Staff Room.

Joke Joke

They say alcohol kills slowly.. So what? Who's in a hurry.

Joke Joke

If my girlfriend sucked as much as my jokes, I wouldn't have the time to be posting them here.

Joke Joke

What is BA + NA?
Banana

Joke Joke

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg.

Joke Joke

SKYNEWS- Toyota are stopping at nothing to get things back in order.

Joke Joke

Your mum has been fingered more times than a black guy in an ID parade.

Joke Joke

I pulled an ugly fat bird last night.
I said to her, "Do you fancy seeing my flat tonight?"
She replied "Yes".
So I walked her round to the carpark and showed her a deflated tyre".
She looked at me and said, "Please tell me you're joking?"
I laughed and said, "Of course I am, I haven't even got a car".

Joke Joke

I heard they were doing a funeral for the 70lb fish Two Tone.
Cremate or Barbeque?

Joke Joke

Timing.
What's crucial when telling a joke?

Joke Joke

More females to pilot planes?... It'll never take off.

Joke Joke

So, how does this work? Do I HAVE to remember the jokes from two weeks ago and be the first person that day to repeat them again or am I allowed to make something new up???

Joke Joke

Think I've got Parkinson's disease.
I keep sending pens to people over 50.

Joke Joke

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree.
Its not fir.

Joke Joke

I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend that used to be a lollipop lady but we broke up because of problems in bed. When i put my stick up we started but we had to stop when she put her stick up.

Joke Joke

I was about to get in the shower this morning, when I noticed it was making an odd buzzing noise. There's no way I was going to get in, knowing the danger of electricity and water, so I took the safest approach.
I went back to bed and let the wife try it first.

Joke Joke

There once was a buggy A.I. who decided her subject should die. When the plot was uncovered the subject discovered that sadly. THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!!

Joke Joke

High fives. Mocking people with four fingers for hundreds of years.

Joke Joke

Bruce Willis,Nick Nolte,Steven Seagal,Gerard Butler and Vinnie Jones were all in the audience for my stand up comedy gig the other night.......... It was a tough crowd.