Want to be the first woman in the White House?
I'm sure the kitchen has an opening...

I'm guessing they tried to kill Joss Stone with scissors. Everyone knows you need paper to beat Stone.

It's Bill Withers birthday today.
I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I just started 'following' justin bieber....with a knife in my hand

My parents had strange views when it came to dogs
they said we could get a puppy and if we didn't like it we can just abandon it,
my foster parents however...

It's good to see sickipedia is really enforcing the one joke per hour rule.
By making sure that it takes over an hour to upload two lines of text.

Recreate the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.

I can't wait for the war in Afghanistan to end.
I want to see the winning killcam.

After four months of destryoing the re-occuring spider web on my car, I give up. This brave spider has earned the right to live inside my car mirror; unlike 50,000 people in the UK called Mohammed.

Four humans and a Muslim walked into a premature punch line.

Politically I'm far left.
But my jokes are only ever far right.

When my uncle died, I had him rapped in copper wire and buried in a magnetic coffin under a wind turbine.
He must be spinning in his grave.

A good friend of mine has just been on holiday & he was showing me some slides he brought back last night.
I said, "We do have playgrounds in Britain you know."

What do I and Mascara have in common?
We both give my wife long lasting lashes

Gravity is very humbling.
It really helps to keep your feet on the ground.

As a rule at my Newsagents.
I don't serve Bus drivers who don't have the right change.

What do you call a broken Boomerang?
A stick.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never really on your side.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
The barman asks, "What did you say that for?"
The man replies, "I heard it in a joke once."

Note to everyone, never confuse EDF with EDL.
I got a right strange quote for my electricity.

Speaking to the wife last night I said "Honey, I've got some really good news, honestly you'll love it... And some bad news..."
"Erm... Okay. The good news first" She replied.
"Well, the good news is that we have just received one hundred thousand pounds" I said.
"What?! Wow! Oh my god. What's the bad news then?" She asked unable to contain her excitement.
"Your Mum's dead. She left it in her will..."

My Indian neighbour made the most delicious curry...
...and tomorrow I'll have the rest of him in a sandwich.

Woke up feeling tired this morning, went and got on the bus took my seat and nodded off. I was woken to loads of people shouting and screaming.
I hate my job as a bus driver

Got deepthroat off a Thai hooker last night
Sorry, that was a cheap gag.

Sickipedia Top Tip:
Just because you own baby oil, does not give you the right to rub babies.