I don't like jokes with number punchlines.
They're not four me.

Just seen an online poll asking 'who is your favourite x-factor contestant ever?' It's a two horse race for me,between Leona Lewis and Stacey Solomon.

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

You think you're going to say something that can make me laugh?
You must be joking.

I was going to do Philosophy as a Major.
But I couldn't find the uniform.

"These roast potatoes are lovely," said my sister-in-law, "How do get them so crunchy?"
"I always use beef dripping," I replied.
"What!" she spluttered, spitting out potato, "You know I'm a strict vegetarian!"
"Don't panic," I laughed, "I'm only winding you up."
"You swine," she said, looking relieved, "You had me going there!"
"I know. You should have seen your face! ... Beef dripping indeed," I replied, shaking my head, "I use lard really."

My wife has completely lost her sense of taste.
It's brilliant. I can put as much chilli powder as I want in her food and the first thing she knows about it is the terrible ring sting the next day.

I left my wife because she complained that I do stuff without thinking it through.

I got fired, and I'm being taken to court, just for falling asleep once on the job.
I don't see a point in co pilots if I'm honest.

Avoid those latency notices. Read the jokes when the Sickipedians are either at the pub or at school.

I usually buy my little brother a Christmas present that I will secretly enjoy as well, like Lego.
So this year I've bought him a shirt which is one size too small

The other day my friend asked me if he should be a Stand-Up Comedian.
I said: "No, you should be a Black Man instead."
"Why?" he replied.
"Because you steal all your jokes."

My wife's resting in peace.
Which is why this prank involving a bucket of water and a foghorn is going to be hilarious.

I bought one of those music games for my PS3 this morning, but the guitar they supplied is tiny.
I knew I shouldn't have got "Beadle's Rock Band."

I'm not insecure, am I?

I got home last night from work and there was my wife, looking in her purse and seperating all her coins and putting them into neat little piles.
At that moment it hit me, my wife was going through the change.

A man walks in to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter, he says; "What can you recommend for a headache?".
The man behind the counter says "Smash your head against a wall".

Long reach staplers.
Why can't you just move closer?

People always tell me to stop laughing at my own jokes.
Little do they know...

And I accuse you of being the first letter of the alphabet,
exhibit... a

Shame Clacton beach has lost its blue flag. They pulled out a big brown floater Monday Aug 17th.
RIP Stella Ankabi.

I was beaten up by a 7, 9 and 11 year old last night. I've decided it's time to get even.

those "how to lose 35lbs in 4 weeks" ads are great. not only can you lose weight, but also get your tattoos removed AND become hispanic. brilliant

I've recently started a really difficult job in the North Pole where I'm having to work my socks off.
My feet are freezing.