Joke Joke

Sometimes i wish i'd taken the time to learn french when i was younger.
Such is life.

Joke Joke

Haribo......
Providing paedo's a jaunty theme tune since 1920.

Joke Joke

my only goal in life is to own my own pub and call it "The Go-Go Gadget Arms"

Joke Joke

The convenient store is closed.
How convenient

Joke Joke

He who hesitates is always walking right in front of me.

Joke Joke

Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs...
Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.

Joke Joke

People often tell me I'm very presumptuous.
I think you know where I'm going with this...

Joke Joke

Sometimes, in my free time, I like to take a biro with me to a restaurant and draw inverted comma's around random ingredients on the menu.

Joke Joke

My mate bought an empty swimming baths for 100 grand, and since then he's had a broken leg, a broken arm, 3 broken fingers, a broken toe and now he's got a fractured scull.
It's his own fault for throwing himself in at the deep end.

Joke Joke

Introducing the new fragrance from Calven klein, guaranteed to leave women powerless to resist.
Rape - for men

Joke Joke

like all honest, hardworking people nowadays...
Im white.

Joke Joke

What do you get when you cross McDonalds with autism?
Asburger's.

Joke Joke

A father is a man with pictures in his wallet where he used to keep his money when he was single

Joke Joke

I'm surrounded by preserved vegetables in jars.
It's like Piccalilli Circus round here.

Joke Joke

I seriously hate stubbornness
And nothing you can say will change my mind!

Joke Joke

I got home from work today and my wife was sitting in the lounge almost asleep.
"What's up love? Tired?" I asked.
"Knackered," she replied, "How could you tell?"
"Well, the baby's in the back garden and you're breastfeeding the dog."

Joke Joke

Just been down the arcades.
Four quid for a go in an electric chair!
Shocking...

Joke Joke

Big fights between Irish and Polish. I guess they'll be on seperate flights back to Glasgow?

Joke Joke

My missus hated stubble, so before a family dinner on her birthday I totally clean-shaved. At dinner I announced, "Hey, I shaved completely for you for your birthday." And she replied, in front of my Dad, "Oooh, me too!"

Joke Joke

My nephew was reading The Beano the other day, when suddenly he asked me "What did people wear during the Great Fire of London?"
I replied that, since this was shortly after the English Restoration, the majority of the city's male residents would have worn breeches and ribbon, while their female counterparts would have opted for corsets and petticoats.
The answer was 'Blazers'.

Joke Joke

What is white, red and silver?
An Emo teenager's wrist.

Joke Joke

I want my wife to divorce me so I'm going to gradually remove all the flooring in our house until she can't stand it.
My logic is floorless.

Joke Joke

I read my star sign today and it read ''Today, you'll be a winner''
So I picked a fight with a four year old.

Joke Joke

What did Big Ben say to the leaning tower of Pisa?
"I've got the time if you've got the inclination"

Joke Joke

My friend: 'If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm gonna leave my job'.
Me: 'Why, what did he say?'
My friend: 'You're fired'.