The pub quiz last night was Run DMC themed and I didn't do very well.
Well it's like that, and that's the way it is.

I was in court the other day about divorcing my wife.
When the judge asked why i wanted to get a divorce,
apparently "I bought a dishwasher" wasn't good enough.

I was selling polo shirts down the Market yesterday when some bloke came up to me and said " you got lacoste mate?"
I said, 15 quid each or 2 for 25.

I'm trying to think of the perfect oxymoron for a joke but i've drawn a blank.

I got a blowup doll so i can ride in the car pull lane...
the fact that one thing might have lead to another is nether here nor there

After starting out great my relationship new girlfriend has really taken a turn for the worse.
Suddenly all I get from her is nagging.
It's all 'wondering eye' this and 'unfaithful' that
I swear she's sounding more and more like wife

In primary school I was taught that it was harder to put things up than to get them down.
The only conclusion I can come to is that the teacher had an erectile dysfunction.

I decided to take the bus this morning.......... The driver left the keys in the ignition when he went to the toilet.

What do you call a self - centred Indian?
An "attention Sikh-er"

I've just sold my soul to the devil............ He particularly wanted the Stevie Wonder LP's that i put on ebay.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Aaaaaaa Ohhhhhhhh!'"
"That's brilliant David, now take your Ritilin and get back to bed."

On a recent epsiode of blockbuster the contestant asked for an "E please bob"?
Bob replied "sort you out after the show"

I tried fitting in with a group of young raisins recently. Didn't go too well.
I guess I wasn't current enough.

How do you know when a paedophile has moved next door to you?
The kids stop taking candy from you.

My mate said i need to grow up and mature .. thats the last time im asking him if hes playing out !

BBC London News: "The story of an autistic man kept in care for a year against his will. We now hand over to our special correspondent.."

I was walking my dog this morning when a Paki stopped me and asked;
"Why has your dog got a bandage on his face?"
Me: "He had an accident and lost his nose"
Paki: "That's awful, how does he smell?"
Me: "Nowhere near as bad as you".

A mate of mine stays up late every night to 'watch the stuff they can't show during the day'.
He's a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem.

Can everyone stop with all the toothpaste jokes, oral-b angry

My wife is so fat that she barely fits in the small valley that we live in.
And that's why they say 'Faith will move mountains'.

My girlfriend's daughter said "I wonder what would be different if you were actually my Dad"
I replied "Well, you'd be better looking for a start."

I often lie awake at night, and ask myself "Where have I gone wrong?"
To which a voice replies, "This is going to take more than one night."

I've just got back from Nuremburg.
What a trial that was.

What's red and smells like peaches?
Bob Geldof's fingers

A taxi driver who saw Maddie McCann with 4 adults the day after she disappeared demanded an answer as to why no one has followed up his sighting yet.
"We're just coming round your corner now." Said Portuguese police.