How often do i like jokes about Chemistry?
I took my son to see Father Christmas at the shopping centre earlier. It was a bit disappointing really, because he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa thought of him.
I stayed in an hotel recently and I went down for breakfast when the waitress said, "Good morning sir, would you like the full English?"
"No thank you," I replied, "I'll have the vegetarian option please."
She said, "Would that be Sugar Puffs or Cornflakes sir?"
Me and the wife had another fall out today.
I think it's time to finish the car and put the doors on.
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
Fresh Orange Juice - For those of you who can't concentrate...
I stopped smoking after I found out it could seriously harm my baby.
I'm not letting anything hurt my PS3.
I'll never forget my first kiss, although granddad denies it.
Whenever I meet a struggling actor or drama graduate, I always say the same thing,
I say, "I'd like a coffee please"
LIDL. Consider giving away a free nail brush with your cheapest one-ply toilet roll
Lots of people call me 'sad'.
I've kept a tally, 64 to be precise.
You know who I feel sorry for? Those sad blokes whose car exhaust pipes aren't big or loud enough to pull women.
Since all the jokes have sucked lately, i've started writing a new one to put them to shame.
Coming along nicely, eh?
I am specific and reliable around 300% of the time
I've always believed that the key to a good joke is subverting the expectations established in the feedline.
To get to the other side.
The boomerang. For people who don't have any friends.
I like my women,like I like my cars............ Escorts.
Similar to a Spork I've just created a cross between a Cup and a Spoon, but I can't think of a name for it
What happened to the days when sickipedia was actually sick?
If anything it should just be called mildlyoffensivebandwagonpedia.org
It's funny how sickipedia is kinda like a world.
All the good stuff is on the west and on the east there's a lot of burial going on...
My friend said that sometimes he positions his body completely horizontally.
Surely that's a lie?
That's 18 straight wiskeys, is that a new record?
Pull the pin an do what?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to 1!
They are definatly safe, birds eat them all the time.
What's that red dot on your forehead?
Can't believe no one has thought of this before!
Don't worry, their hibernating.
Wow, no need to shout your score on the golf course!
Wife asked for something fast and curvy for her birthday; judging by my black eye a 1400 spin speed washing machine wasn't what she had in mind, the other blackeye came when i said why don't you take it for a spin anyway.
I got in from work to find my wife dressed only in her nightie.
In a husky voice, she whispered, "I'm going to bed... I've got laryngitis."
Just rubbed one out watching Emma Watson in the Harry Potter film.
I've not been to the cinema, the first one is on tv.