I tried ringing a scissor factory today....
....I got cut off!!!
I have always struggled to write one-liners, especially on narrow paper.
Life is a lot like an unfinished joke, because it always makes people really
Women are so dramatic. 'Be careful, you'll have my eye out with that!' With a tennis ball mum? REALLY?
"We're no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I"
Actually Rick, I don't. Maybe if you made your song more widely available...
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decide not to go into a pub - hey, I'm not joking!
Muslim comedians make me explode with laughter.
The other day, I decided to get my girlfriend pregnant to save money.
I mean, do you know how expensive milk is these days!?
I set up a business to help parents deal with all the consequences of cot death.
In hindsight, the company name "From the Cradle to the Grave" may not have been the best choice.
Wife and I were about to get into an arguement over what coffee would be suitable for our cafetiere.
Luckily we found the Medium Ground.
I haven't done a hard days work for the past year,yet our company has received two of the biggest awards in our field..... It's nice to have something in common with Fernando Torres.
I was feeling really depressed the other day so i popped over to see my mate who's a dwarf, he gave me a big hug and told me everything would work out and he said he would be here for me anytime....
Sometimes you just need a little pick me up !
What do you call a woman who likes to go out when its windy?
Just been into KFC and bought a new i-Twist, still cant figure out how to play my songs on it
Did you hear about the nervous preacher? He had sweaty psalms
2 yank redneck brothers on opposite sides of a river, one shouts to the other "How do you get across to the other side?" "You are on the other side" comes the reply.
My wife is an English teacher and she's getting annoyed at my poor use of the English language.
She's so far ahead of me in terms of language she's literally on a different planet.
Am I the only one that thinks big issue sellers need to go onto some sort of sales and marketing course?
My grandma turned a 102 today, and she hasn't got a single grey hair on her head.
Becuase she's bald.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.
He told me, "Wait till it gets warmer"
Twice upon a time there was a time machine...
A boy was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open.
"Once and for all, will you please close that?", an exasperated mother pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?"
"No, I was born in a hospital, " he replied, smirking. "With automatic doors."
I used the coin bin on the Severn Bridge this morning.
That took it's toll.
What do you call the feminine version of the the end of a joke?
The washing line.