As a kid I always wanted to be a fireman, and I'm so happy to have finally achieved that ambition.
And now I'm older I can an even spell it the "adult" way..... Pyromaniac.
I eventually caught up with the woman who stole all my new material.
I was too late, she'd already made two sets of curtains and a pillow case.
Why did the meta-joke cross the road?
To get to the punchline.
I've started a new business installing fans in toilets.
It's called "Air to the throne"
To be perfectly honest, I think a lot of the guys here would be best served if they just divorced their obese wives.
A lot of posters here see their jokes as being their children.
I see them that way too: they're stupid, they're ugly and I wish they'd go away.
Look, I know that since I walked out, you think that she could use a guy like you, but trust me, that woman has a lot going on and you want none of it.
Get out whilst you still can...
I love going round to my nan's to eat crackers.
She always puts on a good spread...
i just opened the FHM i bought earlier to find that it came with its own free pocket sized Kleenex tissues inside!!... What kind of person do they take me for!! I dont even have a cold
"Police swoop on M6 Megabus"
Optimus Prime is said to be furious
What do you call a German with a sense of humour?
"Some are soft.
Some are strong.
And some are long."
Am I the only one that got the wrong idea of that advert?
What's the difference between this joke and all my others?
There isn't one, this is still going to get into the negatives.
Kids in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause kids.
'Help, i need somebody. Help, not just anybody. Help, you know i need someone, Help'
The Beatles were lucky the U.S army never heard this song.
I bought my girlfriend some latex gloves because it said on the packet, "Ideal for all hand jobs."
So she put the gloves on, pulled my underwear down and took them over to the washing machine. I wouldn't have touched them without gloves either.
Getting the female contortionist's from the circus to come back to my flat was definitely a result, but challenging them to a game of strip Twister was not the smartest way of trying to get their kit off.
I was walking round the fruit and veg stalls at the market when i thought i'd have a kilo of potatoes.
the bloke weighed them for me and said, "just over is that ok?", I nodded.
Then i asked for a kilo of oranges, he weighed them and again said "just over is that alright"
"Ok mate thats 2.70 he said"
I gave him 2.50 winked at him and said "just under mate is that ok"?
I'd tell you a joke about the new DFS sale but it goes on for ever.
At work today an Indian woman got fired
apparently JIHAD to go.
3 guys in Texas own an oil well that catches fire. They call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter, and ask for his help. He quotes them a price of half a million dollars, and says he can't be there till 3 weeks later.
This seems a bit much, so, consulting the Yellow Pages, they call Pedro Lopez's oil well fire fighting service.
Pedro says, "Si, senor, I will charge you five hundred dollar, and I will be there tomorrow morning".
So, next morning, the 3 Texans are standing on a hill, watching their oil well burn, when all of a sudden this pickup truck full of Mexicans comes roaring up and over the hill, right down into the middle of the fire. All the Mexicans jump out and start dancing around, stomping out the flames.
Sure enough, in a few minutes the fire is out. Pedro comes walking up to the Texans, wiping the sweat off his brow. One of the Texans says, "Pedro, man that was great. Here is your $500.00 and here is an extra $500.00 for doing such a great job. So, what are you going to do with all this money"?
Pedro replies, "Well, first thing is, I gonna get new brakes for the pickup truck."
I saw a High Priest today.
"Alright Father," I said, "Been on the Waccy Baccy again?"
I hold my cup like a mug.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a gas explosion at KFC.
I've heard the Swiss are making a hat that has all the functions of their pocket knives.
They're calling it the 'Handycap'