My dog recently went missing so I got a pet detective.
Although he doesn't seem to like his cage very much.

Nearly hit a dog on the way home, she was walking an alsation.

My daughter has called our new puppy Nigel.
Talk about giving a dog a bad name.

My poor dog has just had to have a leg amputated.
On the plus side bids are up to 67 for the leg on Korean Ebay.

Andrew Flintoff was out for a duck yesterday.
They were half price in Tesco.

You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Not true! My missus is always 'falling' down those darned steps.

I just heard about the new "Pet Airways" on the news.
Just think... if the plane blew up it really would rain cats and dogs!

Time it takes for your pet to care that you've fallen over and can't get up.
Dog- 2 minutes
Cat- Feeding time

I went in Ladbrokes today and said to the girl behind the counter " excuse me love, can I back a horse in here?" she said " of course you can" so I clicked my fingers and said" gee up neddy boy, in you come"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Pedigree chum.

When I was a kid a saw a herd of over 100 elephants. Aah! So many memories

My dog drinks out of the toilet, which makes me laugh - because I'm ticklish down there..

I went to a zoo recently and was horrified that the creatures on show were treated no better than animals

I got fired from my job for just sitting around chewing on a pen.
I'm going to miss working with the swans at the zoo.

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a cat.
Tommy Cooper came along and killed it Just Like That

8 out of 10 cats isn't bad.
Considering they all scattered after the first shot.

What's the difference between a rottwieler and a poodle?
If a rottwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

i've just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

I felt sick after eating a Yorkie earlier.
Too much fur.

I saw a moth wriggling around on the floor today with no wings. So to help it out I decided to pour some Red Bull on it and BAM!
It drowned.

When Meerkats use computers,
do they get annoyed with pop-ups?

Apparently there's something offensive about snakes.My pet snake,was born with only one eye(unfortunately),and when I ask people if they want to see my 'one eyed snake' I get these disgusting looks off them.

A giraffe walks into a bar.
The barman says, "You've got some neck coming in here."

My cat got spayed today.
Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach.

When I was younger I asked my mum "What do you do if your cat dies?"
To which she said "You can either bury it or call the RSPCA and they take it away for you"
to this day I'll never know why anyone would want to re-home a dead cat.