Squirrels have the kind of life every man wants - they spend the whole autumn getting their nuts and then sleep all winter.

You're never in the right with kids.
First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out.
Now the son wants me to let mummy back in.

Do they have a census for animals?
If they do I don't think they would include sheep, imagine how hard it would be trying to stay awake

I've just spilled spot remover on my dog.
Luckily, Rover suffered no ill effects.

I pulled the wrapper off my Penguin today and I was just about to eat it, When I was tackled to the ground..
And thrown out of the Zoo.

My Goldfish keeps getting my name wrong.
Everytime I go up to the bowl it keeps shouting, "Bob"

I love going out and pulling birds.
The bloke in the pet shop hates me though.

On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken.

It always makes me laugh how scared my dog is of the vacuum cleaner.
Even so, it was a lot cheaper than getting a vet to do the abortion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he wandered out of my farm on FarmVille.

What do you call a camel with three humps?
A veterinary cancer specialist as soon as possible.

Just put the cat out.
Told him I always wanted a dog.

The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo-they killed three gorillas and have released all the ostriches!

I took one of my chickens to "Bring your pet to work day"
He loved meeting everyone but wasn't too keen on the lunch arrangements.

Are you really getting into the spirit of the World Cup?
Try putting a beeshive in your girlfriend's glove compartment and telling her you got her an African vuvuzela CD.

On the ITV news just now, there was a segment where a CCTV video was shown of an old woman stroking a cat and putting it in a wheelie bin, and walking off, where the cat was trapped for 15 hours.
I can guarantee you, if they didn't find that CCTV, they would have put it down to one thing...
Teenagers.

Black people call me a white honky.
I don't mind though, I'm a goose.

Just had an interview for a position with the Seal Cub Liberation Front . Not sure how well it went. They said, "don't cull us, or we'll cull you""

I've got three Whippets.
Whip it in , Whip it out, wipe it.

My teacher said that tomorrow is a "bring in your dog" day.
That's cool but I'll need a shovel for it.

It's quite easy to teach a dolphin to use a mouse.
You just point and click.

Thought i saw an insect that only comes out in the 5th month of the year, wasn't sure though.
May Bee, May Bee not.

A worm struggles out of the general's grave and eventually reaches the light of day, licking its lips in appreciation.
"Well, I see why they gave him four stars."

I heard an interesting fact that sharks can't move backwards.
It must be a nightmare trying to get out of the supermarket car park.

My mate invented a method of weaving clothes from pubic lice, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.