I had a go on one of those stalls where you shoot a duck over and you get a prize.
I noticed if you aim the gun at the guy running the stall, you get ALL the prizes.
When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead.
Not wanting me to get upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I wouldn't notice...
But I did, and I killed that one too...
I love my new job as an animal trainer.
I'm currently teaching young crows.
They're battling with the alphabet though.
They can't grasp the concept of going from A to B.
I had a look at a rambling guide yesterday.
I was quite surprised by it really, I didn't realise you could get jewellery for sheep.
My Grandad was killed by a load of baby eels
Elver way to go
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
To look for a tight seal.
So Police are set to reopen the Amy Winehouse investigation into her death?
Can't they just let sleeping dogs lie
Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food.
I like to call it a Ceaser salad.
My bird has started to smell really bad lately.
I had to buy him some dove deodrant.
"That zebra you sold me is fake!" Shouted the owner of the zoo.
"Well spotted." I admitted.
A two-year-old American boy has been killed by pitbulls after opening his garage door for them. Understandably, the world is shocked, and asking itself the same question: how on earth did a two-year-old open a garage door?
I took the liberty of milking my mates cow the other day. She took a while to start but made about a cupful of milk. I tasted some and it tasted good and fresh. After I finished the cup my mate woke up and I told him how nice his cow's milk was.
That's when he told me he had a bull.
They're like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out.
Me and my wife were like 2 wild animals last night.
She went for food while I ate the children.
I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs.
How was I to know that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention.
My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden.
One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away.
I think it was a little coy.
You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way.
The "Black Mamba", One of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes.
I went down on my missus last night and I've had a hair stuck in my teeth all day.
I finally got it out during the lunch break at work and we've decided to keep it as the office pet.
What animal is best at brading female pubic hair?
There are two things you should always carry.
1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of snakebite.
2) A snake.
There was a man walking in the desert.
He didn't know where he was, and all around him was just sand, and he couldn't see anything else apart from the sun and the sand dunes.
Puzzled, the man started walking.
He walked for a mile and saw a single Cricket Ball lying on the ground. A smile was on the man's face as he said, "Great! If there's a Cricket Ball here then I must be Close to somewhere! You don't just find a random Cricket Ball in the desert!"
The man was really happy so he walked another mile and found another Cricket Ball. "Wow," he said, "I must be on the right track! I'm getting closer..."
The man walked for another mile and looked on the ground to find a castrated cricket.
Why do foxes have fur coats?
Because they'd look stupid in anoraks.
I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean
My mate says that he's a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he's just splitting hares.