The Yanks have decided to bomb Downing Street now David Cameron has a cat. They think they've found weapons of mouse destruction.

I was walking down the street earlier when a baby cat ran into the road straight into the path of a car - the driver didn't even stop - just kept on driving.
Kitten Run.

My mate was hosting a chicken football tournament on his farm and he asked me along to spectate
I didn't stay long though. The matches were rubbish. It was just fowl after fowl

My friend asked me what I thought was the best way to pick up chicks.
I suggested a hand beneath their webbed feet and one behind their back for support.
NB Chicks don't have webbed feet; they're not water foul

I love throwing things at the fan and watching them fly across the room. Thats why im not allowed to touch the cat anymore.

I just got a lifetime ban from the zoo!
Turns out when they say "kids go free" doesn't mean I should release the goats from the petting zoo!

BBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78.
Isn't that suppose to be 325 years?

What do you get if you give an ape a gun?
Guerrilla warfare.

We've just got a new rescue kitten!
He looks cute in the mask and cape but if he doesn't stop trying to save people, he's going to get hurt.

BBC News 'Utah highway shut after 20m bees escape from lorry'
Typical Americans, always super sizing everything.

A dog walks into a bar.
He says, "Hey my names Derek. I'm a talking dog, have you ever seen a talking dog? How about a drink for the talking dog?"
The bartender replies, "Sure mate. The toilet's right back there, first on your left."

Isn't an out-of-date egg really just a chicken?

A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer.
I'm gutted, and now so is he.
It was either that or Nemotheropy and I didn't want to see him suffer.

What's extremely dangerous and swings through the trees?
A monkey with a shotgun

In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper...
i can't get mine to wear a collar, let alone sportswear.

There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can't even swing a dead cat without hitting one.

We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws catfood!
Results show that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!

UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels.
Funny that...

Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens?
It was hen night.

If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the detail.

My pet wasp died today.
If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the cake shop window from 9am tomorrow.

Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first.
Pets at Home. Where pets come first

Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room.
Just in case bugs need to use them as swords when they're at war.

I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves.
I should probably get bird cages for my pet shop.