A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo.
Police are monitoring the situation

I'm black and I live in a purely white area, but this isn't a problem, in fact the community is very close and in hard times we all come together to see it through.
I'm a penguin, and I'm against racism.

A bear walks into a bar and goes, "I'll have................. a beer, please."
The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"
The bear replies: "I've got Alzheimer's."

Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it

Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes?
White and black.

I think my puppy may have a sore throat,
He's a little huskey.

What do you call a spider with no legs?
A currant.

I went fishing today, I caught all kinds of fish.
Until they threw me out the aquarium.

I was hiking in the mountains today, when I seen a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his garden.
I asked him 'What is that for?'
He then replied 'It's anti-bear powder, it keeps them away from my house.'
'But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!'
He replied ' I know, works a treat doesn't it?'

What do you get if your baby cat falls into your deep fat fryer?
Unlucky fried kitten

Bought an Ant farm, don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small.

Don't be rasist, be like a panda: Black, Asian and White
...so you can pick cotton, put together an iPod and rule the world.

What drugs do ducks sell? Quack Cocaine.

Why did the fish cross the road?
He saw the pelican crossing.

I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree.
When I got it home, I wasn't sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same, they were not sure.
So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie.

There's a big hoohaa about cloned cows getting into the food chain.
To be honest, being able to tell one steak from another is not high on my list of priorities.

Life is like watching a dog lick himself...full of impossible dreams

What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom?
Losing a spider in your bedroom.

Me and the family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach.
We got attacked by dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons.
My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals.

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Banned from the local nature reserve.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was chicken

I don't know why everyone tarnishes Oriental folk with the same brush.
My neighbours are Chinese and when they came for dinner they were mortified that I cooked them a cat.
Maybe because it was theirs.

What has 6 legs and an arm?
Me fisting a horse.

I use to have terrible trouble with Mole's digging holes in my back garden,
But I solved that now, I hid the shovels!!