I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats arent allowed to graze there

I read a headline in the news paper today
'Tiger savages trainer'
I thought to myself, Tiger Woods is getting out of hand now first the cheating and now this.

What do you call 50 rabbits in a row walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

Penguin walks into a pub and orders a pint of cider.
Barman thinks 'that's a bit strange' but serves him his apples.
Penguin finishes his pint and asks for another.
Barman serves the penguin another pint.
Penguin says to the barman, "has my brother been in today?"
Barman says "don't know mate, what does he look like?"

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the aeroplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess, noticed the man shaking and quivering.
"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?
"Ahh... Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Sometime later the stewardess noticed the man moaning, and shaking again...
"Are you sure you're all right sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"
"No, that's not the problem.... The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Late one night a drunk man sneaked into a zoo and fell into an enclosure full of gorillas during mating season.
He was gang-aped.

I let the cat out the bag earlier, just to tease it though, it still wasn't getting out the pool with concrete around its legs.

My girlfriend is a right fox.
She keeps rummaging through the neighbour's bins.

Pyjama cords - convincing you there's a spider in your bed since pretty much you were born.

Just read in the paper that a young boy from Liverpool has been mauled to death by a Bull Mastiff, he might have stood a chance if he wasnt wearing that ridiculous red rag of a t-shirt.

Please, spare a moment for the tragic young life that was cut down in its prime in Liverpool recently...
...the dog that was shot dead had pups you know.

If the panda dies out, should WWF spend loads of money on designing a new logo...
Or just turn the panda on its back?

Dog: You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, and you care for my every need. You must be a God!
Cat: You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, and you care for my every need. I must be a God.

I couldn't believe that on christmas eve I got another anaconda shoved through my front door. I really have had enough of these amazon mix-ups.

As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, "please say its been de-venomed!"
"Of course it has!" He said.
"How can you be sure?" I asked in a panic.
"Because its just injected it all into your hand," he replied.

Step one: Buy a sheep.
Step two: Name it "Relation".
Now you have a relationsheep.

I just read that pigs only sleep on their right side.
Which finally explains why I can never get my wife to roll over .

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Pure-bred Police Dog 250. ono."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking dog she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that a purebred police dog?"
"Don't let his looks deceive you, love," the man replied, "He's undercover."

I love dogs, especially my neighbour's little Yorkshire Terrier.
It's really helpfull when washing the car, and fits right in the bucket!

I saw a snail begging outside of Sainsbury's today...
Although it was hard to tell if it was a homeless snail, or just a cunning slug.

Traditional excuses updated:
Why haven't you done your homework Billy?
The dog wiped my hard drive Miss.

Bad parenting letting my three year old son watch Mafia movies...
I've just discovered his sisters hamster drowned at the bottom of the bath weighted down with a Lego block.

My dog's so lazy he won't even bark, he waits for another to bark and then nods.

Sniffer dogs have located a strong scent of garlic and goats cheese about 430 miles off the coast of Brazil.

they say cats always land on their feet...
So i got a cat with no feet and threw it out a window...
It landed on another cat!