I've named my dog "Cash Reward"' so if it ever goes missing and I put up posters people will look for him, but I won't have to pay up when he's found.
An old farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy," said the farmer.
What do elephants and grapes have in common?
They both have trunks, except for the grapes.
My neighbour has just walked past with two dogs.
I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
She said, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."
I said, "Your sisters are very ugly."
Got a cat the other day.
Had to swerve to get it,
but I got it.
"Eat your dinner," I said to my young son.
"I don't want to!" he replied, pushing his plate away.
"Look, I know you're upset about the death of your dog," I began, "but as long as you avoid the fur, he's actually quite delicious."
My daughter's guinea pig committed suicide today.
I was driving home from the vet's deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when, inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yes, three males and two Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He replied, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker.
Who wants a McFluffy?
If monkeys are related to humans...
How come you never see them at weddings?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it!
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana
I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.
Then I made a run for it.
People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realise that just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe. Want to know what else is natural?
"Have you got any kittens going cheap?" asked a customer in a pet shop.
"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go 'Meow'."
The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared.
The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it before."
"I'm surprised too," says the dog's owner. "He hated the book."
Did you know...
An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes.
If you don't mind it dying
It looks like we've got a new postman.
He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign "Beware of the Cat".
Must be his first time delivering to Safari World.
The Unforgettable Elephant Story
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dans legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Has anyone in the Brighton area lost a small black and white kitten?
Because I've just run it over.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one
My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange I thought, because I'm not sure how he managed to turn on my laptop.
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Looking late at night for the lost family dog is a bit like mine and my wife's marriage.
We both know it's dead, but we keep trying for the kids.