"Here we have a rare creature to these lands. Not native to the South Pole, this mammal can be found observing in numbers of 3-4, standing on its hind legs and seeing through the one big eye that extends out from the rest of its face. Feeding primarily on a diet of packaged food, what a peculiar creature it is."
A penguin's account of a BBC natural history camera crew.
Do cats think its bad luck when a black person crosses their path?
There is a place on this Earth for all of God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes.
In honour of Wally the whale that died in the River Thames a couple of years ago, Vera Lynn is to produce a tribute record, which is to be called "Whale Meat Again".
My wife gets all teary eyed when she sees seals being clubbed on the telly, but she doesn't think twice about asking me to whack a spider in the bath with a newspaper.
And what's a spider doing with a newspaper, anyway?
To ease the overcrowding in prisons why dont they release the murderers but make them wear a little bell round their necks. This method has certainly worked on my cat which used to kill no end of birds, but has not killed one since I fixed it to his collar.
I just read that China's last Giant Panda fell into quicksand.
The WWF say it hasn't quite sunk in yet.
What looks like a rainbow and brings laughter and joy to so many?
An exploding parrot.
I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse.
But I stopped after the mane.
Geese and swans mate for life.
That would explain why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
My wife just text me, "Wolfs are mythological creatures right?"
I could not believe the stupidity. Everyone knows "wolves" is plural.
How come when it's a human its an abortion;
But when it's a chicken it's an omelette?
How come David Attenborough is always at the right place at the right time when a "once in a thousand years" nature event happens?
I went to Cheltenham yesterday after hearing it was a great place to see lovely 10 year olds getting ridden.
I was let down. It was a horse racing event.
I've just been to the Galapagos Islands and wiped out all the giant tortoises.......
It was turtle annihilation.
Two goats were behind a Hollywood studio eating an old movie reel.
One goat said to the other: "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat replied: "Yeah, but not as good as the book."
I went to the safari park yesterday. When you go past the lions bit they ask you to keep your windows and doors shut. I had to - or my wife would've got back in.
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
My daughter loves reptiles so for her birthday, as money was tight, I told her I had bought her a Chameleon...
She's been looking for it for three days.
Be careful using predictive text whilst driving in bad weather.
I sent my boss a text the other day saying "Sorry I'm late, stuck in dog."
I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night...
...and yet she still claims I'm incapable of romance!
I sent my dog to his kennel and he blew it up.
He was a yorkshire terrorist.
Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner?
I know Iams
Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich.
I didn't Winalot.
Why are there no pigs in Saudi Arabia ?
Because they are not prepared to live with a bunch of filthy, stinking Arabs.
I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.