I'm bringing out a new range of petfoods with flavours they'll really love. For cats there will be: Mouse, Canary, Frog and Goldfish and for dogs; Rabbit, Cat, Sheep with an extra special flavour for pit bulls and rotweillers "Grandchild's Face"
What happens if you give Red Bull to a bird?
What's the difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ?
One spreads fear among the local population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people,
...and the other's an insect.
I got told that chameleons blend to look like their surroundings.
Well I put mine in a blender and it looks nothing like the kitchen wall.
I was watching "Finding Bigfoot" on Animal Planet.
I'm guessing these guys aren't getting paid per bigfoot found.
I lost the dog whilst out for a run with him this morning.
'Why didn't you take the lead?' asked the wife when I came home.
'I did', I replied, 'but he overtook me after 100 yards & disappeared into the distance...'
Cats look down on us
Dogs look up to us
Pigs treat us as equal
Ive realised my wife has a lot in common with turkeys.
Too much skin around the neck and they both like to gobble.
Universal truth: You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
So when a chameleon becomes really aggressive and angry it changes colour to black?
I watched a DVD of Steve Irwin choking the animal that would eventually kill him.
It was a Blu Ray
A duck walks into a bar....
it was then collected and released in a near by park.
I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep.
"Lambing it?" I asked
"No," he said, knocking the floor, "it's real wood."
I got one of those 'Cash For Gold' envelopes in the post this morning.
So I posted it back to them this afternoon.
Wonder what they'll give me for my fish?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You are obviously not listening."
I got my results today...
My wife has left me and I got custody of the dog...
The doctor said to the patient, "You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to saftey."
The patient asked, "Where is the dog now?"
"Unfortunately there's no sign of the dog - or your arm."
My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on it's back for three weeks now.
I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride.
I've banned them all from driving in my safari park.
My girlfriend lost her rabbit yesterday so she asked me to help look for it, she doesn't have to fear I found a lucky rabbits foot on my drive yesterday.
I was planning to go clubbing this weekend but decided not to.
I can't see many people buying fur coats in this weather.
I just read the awful news that a child is critically ill in hospital after being mauled by two dogs in West Yorkshire.
The two women from Leeds are currently being held in police kennels.
I visit a lot of local markets throughout the Uk.
I was thinking about setting up a website where people can compare them.
Can anyone lend me a meerkat?
My cat is always scratching and biting me.
It's almost as if she knows what I've got planned.
I really liked it when my girlfriend started smoking
The salmon tastes so much better