I tried making a couple of quick bucks today.
It cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids.

I bought a dog once and named him 'Stay'.
"Come here, Stay!"
He's insane now.

Last night I Tweeted asking if anyone was free to go out.
Then my wife told me to stop trying to talk to birds, and to act my age.

The dog bit my wife today. I don't think any harm was done though...
But I'm taking him to the vets just to be on the safe side.

Held my closed fist up to my wife, "Behold."
"What?" she replied in awe.
I opened my hand and the bee flew out and stung her face.

"Those battery chicken farms are so sick, I don't understand why we do it, who on earth would want to live in cramped conditions with millions of slow moving overweight chickens?"
er, a fox?

Two chickens were distraught when a tornado destroyed their home.
Don't worry, they'll be able to recoup.

I was with my wife when she gave birth to our first child,
turns out yelling "Jellyfish" when her placenta came out was a bad idea.

Whipped raw by the white man,
Poor living conditions,
Working in the fields with no pay,
I am talking, of course, about the horrible treatment of horses

Whats blue, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, will kill you?
A cow in a tracksuit

My landlord blames me for allowing a mouse infestation but I've been allowed to stay after promising to sort the problem out.
I hope mice are as scared of rats as I think they will be.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought dogs go to heaven. My thought was if you can lick yourself you're already there.

My son has started dating a taxidermist who specialises in large rodents.
I overheard him tell his mates what a good stuffing he gave her beaver.

A giant fly is been terrorising New York, killing hundreds of people.
The army has released a SWAT team.

I've been teaching my dog how to count. I said "Rover, whats three plus two minus five"? and Rover said nothing.

I dropped my boisterous three-year-old off at the nursery this morning.
I thought mixing with children her own age would do her good.
But it wasn't long before I received a phone call, "Is she causing trouble?" I asked.
"Trouble!" said the woman at the nursery, "Your pitbull's got hold of one child by the throat."

Giraffes sleep for up to 4 hours a day. I think they find it hard to get their heads down

I have a fantastic memory. It has been likened to that of a Terrapin.
Turtle recall.

"Tiger admits he's a cheater"
So up until now everyone believed he was just a really fast Tiger?

Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman are stood at the pearly gates.
St Peter looks down and says "sorry Mr Hopper... no pets"

A man walks into a pet shop.
"I'll have a bee, please," asks the man, to which the owner of the shop replies, "Sorry, we don't sell bees."
The man replies, "Well, you've got one in your window."

I got thrown out of Chester Zoo for making a parrot laugh today.
It's polly tickle correctness gone mad.

My dog loves chasing his tail.
And chopping it off saved us money on a stick.

Just been banned from keeping pets.
Turns out that a bearded dragon doesn't like razors.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'