People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to believe it's true.
Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their pool and give them a fish.

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in.

I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of me!

I wrote a book on penguins.
With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled...
...it used to be a leopard.

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
One's a kangaroo and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

I've bought myself a chinchilla.
That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather.

I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning.
I'm quite handy with my new Callaway golf clubs.

The WWF advert asks, "When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?"
Well, swimming, I suppose.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. But how did they get in there?

I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE".
Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!

A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk.
Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep.

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

My dog always barks when there's someone at the door.
I don't know why, as it's never anyone for him.

I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity"
Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.

I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider.