wasn't allowed to join the x men because they said i needed more than just my bear hands !!!

Really sad about my dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now.

Paedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog.

My wife just called me a dog.
I feel like fetching a stick and beating...Hang on.

Lionel Ritchie was recently given a lifetime ban from Sea World.
He was caught dancing on the sea lions.

Men are like dog whistles......
Blow and we'll come.

I've got something that turns on all women.
My american pitbull terrier.

Two police dogs die from overheating after being left in a car - Sentenced to be decided.
They may want to look at a similar case of a black dog being locked in the boot of a car and surviving around Christmas time, that got that guy 8 yrs.

I went to one of those violent bull fights in Spain, and I can honestly say I've never been so appalled in my life.
My seat cost a fortune and was so far back I could barely see the cows get stabbed.

I went swimming with dolphins last week.
It was really moving.
Made a direct hit with my harpoon really difficult.

Whats the worst thing about going on safari?
Knowing you wasted your money on an imac.

Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down.
so what do they do if they've got a cold?

Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer?
I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead...

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won.

I took my pet pig to the vet's today.
Turns out he has pulled a hamstring.

When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a penguin.

I shaved a hedgehog today...
It was pointless.

The only sound animals should make is sizzle.

Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun.
Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back.

After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn't the job.
Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.

Whats the difference between "Beer Nuts" and "Deer Nuts"?
"Beer Nuts" are a dollar twenty-five and "Deer Nuts" are under a buck.

I always cry when I chop an onion.
Unlike kittens.

A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn.
The healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nein lives

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.

I found a hornet in my car.
I'm going kerb crawling tonight to test it out.