When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens?
Cigarettes are just like weasels.
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them...
9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas.
I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same since.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever >> sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk whenI was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"
The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."
The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"
For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought metal detector.
I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box, wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift.
Top tip: make sure the dog isn't inside when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver.
My nephew was over the moon with his new remote control car.
The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the worlds most dangerous snake. Colour varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area. Its highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months. It has also been known to attack men from behind.
How is it that the people in the Churchill advert are completely OK with a talking dog, yet when this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become all cynical?
My dog is a blacksmith.
Everytime I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.
The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign. The slogan is "A dog is not just for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well."
My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club.
I've always wanted to swim with dolphins - but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the swimming baths.
Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbour's cat this morning.
With a chainsaw.
My dog is worried about the economy. Dog food is up to $3.00 per can. That's $21.00 in dog money!
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead Centipede.
Scientists have discovered that some fish have paedophile tendencies.
Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"
My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.
Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.
I saw a sign recently that said, "Dogs Die in Hot Cars."
This advice saved me 80 in vet bills when I had to get my Alsatian put down.
"How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife.
"Well, it is January," I replied... then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"
I just bought a goldfish, but unfortunately it's epileptic. The weird thing is as long as I leave it in the bowl, it's fine.
The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure.