A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been savaged by a pack of macaques
Not really a joke, Just made me laugh

"Warning As Boa Constrictor Goes On The Loose"
Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the anti-venom

What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes.

Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be redeployed to clear the world's mine fields?

What noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster!

I was in the jungle and got attacked by a snake. It bit me and I fell to the ground. Luckily there was a ladder around the next corner

I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches.

What do you get when you cross a cow with an arab?
Milk Sheikh

I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window.
I'm sure they're Inca hoots!

Wow! I've Just found out that my dog can talk, I said "what's that tree made out of boy?"
"Bark!" He yelped.

I own one of the world's smallest farms.
All I've got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog and my wife. And they're all in the same body.

I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed
My wife hates it though, she's allergic to cats

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.

I think it's unexceptable to mix races.
You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!"

There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"?

Daniel radcliffe has said to wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then?

The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me.
I'm in a fowl mood now!

How do you find a Foxhole ??
Lift its Tail Up...

Watership Down.
Youve watched the film
Youve read the book
Now eat the stew

Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what your doing...

I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night.
Must have been Freddy Cougar

A unicorn and a cyclops...
Now that's and accident waiting to happen.

My wife's ran off with a giraffe...
I probably shouldn't have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue.