I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle.
I couldn't believe the price of them...
6.45 for 20 Mayfair!
I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; "I love you Piddles, never forget that."
I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my family as I plodded off into the kitchen.
I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo.
Mind you, I don't think he's going to be happy when he's old enough to realise I'm not his real Dad.
"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.
I was at a family dinner and I turned to my wife and said "I think there's an elephant in the room".
Apparently that's not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law.
If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal?
Kind of like a pedophile working at a retirement home.
I've taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance.
I say taught but actually I just put him on his back.
What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark infested custard.
I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies.
It's a good thing that the parents didn't cry wolf by mistake.
I got a new phone today. It's got less battery life than a KFC chicken.
If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they're Heather Mills.
I give them one "Shoo!". Then watch them hop it.
Do you think dogs think they have got beards?
Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black."
As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green.
My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her.
A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car.
"Look over there", said her dad, "the sheep are being sheared".
My reply of "Why, is there a dinner dance tonight?" only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me.
My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat.
I can't wait to get home and see it.
I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before.
What do you call a sleeping fish?
What's the fastest animal in the world?
A hamster if you throw it hard enough!
When i said to my dog "play dead"
i didn't expect him to jump in front of the next lorry
I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time.
I think it was called 'what women want'.
An Englishman , a Scottishman and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop.
The interviewer tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics.
The Englishman sings "How much is that Doggy in the window", the Scottishman sings "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog" , and Paddy sings "Strangers in the night. ..... Scooby doo be doo be doo.."
I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day.
He's much easier to pick up now.
A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but, as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions.
"I can bite off my own tail," says the fox. "They won't want a fox with no tail."
So the fox bites off his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription centre and comes back with his rejection slip.
"OK," says the rabbit, "bite my ears off. They won't want a rabbit with no ears."
So the fox bites off the rabbit's ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription centre and also comes back with a rejection slip.
Then it's the bear's turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a stone, as the Animal Army certainly won't want a bear with no teeth.
So they knock out all the bear's teeth, the bear goes to the conscription centre and also comes back with a rejection slip, but looks a bit depressed.
"See," says the fox. "I told you they wouldn't take a bear with no teeth."
"Yeth," says the bear, "but they rejected me becauthe I'm too fat."
I love a good game of 'Hungry Hippos'.
But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo after 3 of them starved to death.
Why do fish swim in salty water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze