I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves.
He said he was bambidextrous.
Me and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck...
I always seem to get stuck with the bill.
I saw my mate Dan the other day and he'd bought himself a dog -- a great dane.
I said "What's with the pooch, mate?"
He said "Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years longer".
I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!
I put a zebra through the scanner at Tesco's.
Cost me 400.
I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares.
So I yelled, "You herd!"
I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don't know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven't had much business though. Maybe it's the sign on the front of the building...
In the countryside, a guy's car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking his strong-looking shire horse past.
"Don't worry, there," says the farmer, hitching the horse to the car. "Soon have you out."
Then he calls out to the horse "Pull, Dobbin!"
But the horse doesn't budge, so he tells it "Pull, Barney!"
Still no response, so he says "Pull, Harry!" and this time, the horse gives an almighty tug and the car comes free.
"That's great, thanks very much," says the driver, and then asks "Couldn't you remember his name or something?"
"No, it's just that Harry's blind," says the farmer. "He wouldn't bother trying if he thought he was the only one pulling."
I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint over posh women in mink?
If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead animals then why aren't they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Dulux?
A dog's New Year's Resolution:
I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!
If dolphins were as smart as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish.
A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. "Would you like them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.
"Oooo no...." says the lady, "just snuggled up next to each other."
Just saw the neighbour's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to.
I went into an internet chatroom for people who like animals last night. I was pretending to be a horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realised he was grooming me.
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
To get away from America
I was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it.
All the other kids on the carousel started screaming.
"Sponsor A Dog For Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you" says the advert.
If the dog's literate, can't it earn its own money with some sort of adminstrative job?
I recently tried to save a dog from drowning whilst on holiday in China...
...but I burnt my hand on the saucepan.
My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. "Don't worry, Son." I said, "We'll do the same to him next time something of his is in our garden."
"What do you mean Dad?" He asked.
"You'll see." I replied with a wink. "Now put this bowl of cat food outside."
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
I bought a new dog yesterday. I've named him Rolex.......he's a watchdog
What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks about in fountains...
Peperami, it's a bit of an animal.
I've no idea which animal though, or which bit.
Snip...Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears...
albertgordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown.
I'm seriously considering getting a shark.
I'd get a pet toaster.
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.