Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue.

A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said,"Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

I went for skills rather than looks when I picked my new dog
I got an ex-police drug-sniffer dog.
I'll tell you what, he comes in handy at parties.

I've named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying "This is Madness!", my flatmate then jumps out and screams "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicks me in the chest. Worth it.

Got a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she's away for the month.
Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago.

It's just taken me 3 hours to bury my son's cat.
Probably would have been faster if it was dead.

I went out this weekend and bought a new Jack Russell puppy for the family. It's black & brown with a small white area...so I called it Birmingham...

I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaah."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "My dog's died."

This chicken came up to me today and said "Buck, Buck, Buck"
I'd never heard such fowl language.

When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she wished it would be that cute forever.
She's going to be so surprised when I get it stuffed for her birthday.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, "My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do you have anything to stop it?"
"Sure," replied the cashier, "Rub this powder all over their fur and it should kill them within 24 hours."
She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats were dead.

It's only lunchtime and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions.
At least the third is safe until I find a goat.

My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV... and decided I could do without Channel 4.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes.
However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.

Cats and drunks - people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere.

NEWSFLASH - An Old English Sheep dog has been found hanging from a tree in the Southern states of the USA.
The police say the Dulux Klan did it.

'Animals Do The Funniest Things' sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help.

We're what you might call the average family. There's me, the wife, and 2.4 kids. We used to have 3 kids...
...then we got the Pitbull...

My little girl came in crying her eyes out. "Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I think he may be dead."
So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was.
"Daddy, why is his willie sticking out?"
I now regret quipping, "I guess old rabbits die hard."
The bawling sounds like it could go on all day.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted 'LEFT' he went left, and when I shouted 'RIGHT' he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
By God, we DO taste like chicken!!!

I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds.