Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Surely cows would live longer if they werent made of steak and leather jackets

My friend's dog walked in and started hitting me on the shin with a big tree branch!
He warned me his bark was worse than his bite.

I took a girl back to my place last night and she noticed I have some animal skin rugs. She pointed to one and said, "Oh my God! I hope that's Faux fur."
I said, "No, that one was a snow leopard."

So the BBC declared a panda as Woman of the Year 2011?
Must've seen 2 black eyes & immediately thought of their wives, eh?

A centipede on drugs is walking in the jungle. There's a twig in the ground and he trips, and he trips, and he trips, and he trips, and he trips...

The first thing I do every morning is to choke the chicken.
My method of execution at the farm slaughterhouse is a bit unorthodox, admittedly.

The small American dart frog uses bright colours to warn predators that it's packing something that gives it an unfair advantage in a fight.
Sort of like people wearing Henley's clothes or a Millwall scarf.

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, "What's your name?" asked the chicken, `Bond, James Bond. Whats yours?`, "Ken, Chick Ken."

I was on the farm trying to milk a cow earlier but it didn't work out
I looked like an udder fool.

I was visiting a friend in South Korea the other day.
"This country is going to the dogs." he said.
"What an ironic twist of fate." I thought.

While I was at the zoo, I noticed signs saying 'Do Not Feed The Animals'.
I was shocked and phoned the police and animal services immediately.

Why doesn't my dog use antiperspirant?
It blocks his paws.....

I went to the Zoo the other day.
I think someone needs to tell those meerkats that everything is going to be okay.

Textbooks always tell you that electric eels are "capable of stunning a full-grown horse."
That's something useful to remember - in case I ever go scuba diving and catch myself thinking, "Hey, I think I'll take a horse with me."

Venus Fly Traps:
Ensure an endless supply of prey by using a small African child as bait.

Man says to a camel, "whats the matter, you've got the hump"
Camel replies "haha, but I'm a horse and it's a tumor"

I asked my wife, "Do you remember that road safety advert 'Charley says'?"
"God yes," she giggled, "Meow meow miaow miaow meow."
"Well," I replied, "that wasn't the noise next door's kitten made when I ran it over."

My mate works, free of charge, attracting sharks for holidaymakers to photograph.
Chump.

I was going to adopt a killer whale through the RSPCA. But then I thought that I didn't really feel like breaking the news to it that I'm not his real father.

For a split second before you hit that rabbit in the car headlight, do you recon it thinks its about to be abducted by a UFO?

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Earlier this year a woman was caught throwing a cat in a wheelie bin and today I found 3 flies and a wasp in one!
What is wrong with society today?

My dog goes absolutley mental if he see's other dogs on the television.
So I can't watch show's like Crufts, Countryfile or Loose Women.

2 owls are playing pool when the first one misses the ball. The second owl says two hits.
The first one replies 'two hits to who?'