Going out clubbing this weekend.
Should get a good bit of money for the furs.
Whats the difference between a hamster and a cow?...
...the cow survives the branding
When I was younger my mum came home to find my puppies were all dead.....So she went off to the pet store to buy some new ones, In the hope I wouldn't notice!
But i did.........
And I killed them to!
Inside Nature's Giants.
Last time I did that I got arrested at the zoo.
Petsmart have a sale on mute Parrotts, at 3 each this offer wont be repeated.
What do you call an exploding monkey ?
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put a chameleon on a mirror?
My dog's got a hand growing where his tail should be.
He keeps wagging his finger at me - so is he happy or cross?
Bob goes to the dog's home and asks the guy in charge:
"That big Alsatian there looks friendly, but does he like small children?"
"He loves 'em," says the guy, "but it'd be a lot cheaper to buy him proper dog food."
My mate asked my advice on which dogs are best to take on a duck shoot.
I gave him a couple of pointers.
Snakes like to chew Wrigley's
My pet Rabbit has been very ill recently, but it's getting better. He's recovering in leaps and bounds.
As I jumped onto the back of the motorbike, it made a loud roaring noise and shot off down the street. Everyone was staring open-mouthed and I could just tell they were all thinking how cool I looked in my leathers. But then I lost control and was headed right for a pedestrian. The bike threw me off, and carried on right into him, before ripping his leg off and eating it.
Looking back, it might have been a lion...
With jobs thin on the ground, I took a risk and had a go at elephant poaching. There were some surprised faces when I turned up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-foot slotted spoon.
I don't know why the kids and wife were so upset.
I though naming our new dog 'Emergency Food Supply' was very appropriate.
"My new boyfriends just like a panda"
"What - he eats, shoots & leaves?"
"No, he's fat and sterile."
I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it.
I don't have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm :(
I can't really blame pandas for not mating with each other.
It must be weird doing it with someone who looks just like you.
My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. "There's a huge spider in there!" She said.
"Thanks love, I'll remember to knock first." I replied.
My girlfriend won two goldfish at the fair last night, so we decided to call them Thelma and Louise.
They will most probably be dead by the end of the week.
Why is that when a group of kittens are born they are called a litter?
I don't put them all in the bin, sometimes I keep one.
Where do the best chickens go when they die?
I'm allergic to sharks.
When they bite me, I get terrible red lesions.
I've got a pet lobster. I remember when he was just a little scampi.
I was sacked when my boss found me cat napping at work today.
I'd managed to get three Tabbies and a Siamese into my van before he caught me.