Researchers at Bristol University say a breed of blood-sucking ticks has been discovered in the UK. Wait a minute, blood-sucking leeches appearing near the start of April?
That's just Inland Revenue!

The wife's got a new penfriend.
Even pigs need someone to play with.

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs.

Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla.
The fact that saved me a zoo sponsorship.

I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys
The sole conclusion I've drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys.

I've got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today.
I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus.

Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things.
Like carrying a huge basket of clothes on their heads for example.

I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him
#hereboy

My next door neighbour has got a sick sense of humour.
He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them.
Pork Hunt.

My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers.
God knows how he keeps a size 10 on that little paw of his.

It's fun playing football with my rabbit.
Although she's not as bouncy as a real football.

Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform.
They're looking for a copycat killer

A young man can learn a lot from a dog...
Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

My mate told me if I cut my pet goat's horns off it would become more confident.
It didn't work - if anything it's got even more sheepish.

I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me.

I have two pet hates.
Much more fun than having a cat or a dog

I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree.
That tree outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in.

Im worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once.

My girlfriend is like a dandelion,
beautiful on a summers eve or on a winters night.
And when i get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet.

Paddy and his wife are distraught that there dog has gone missing. After a week his wife, becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping that someone may have spotted him.
When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; "Well, have you done it?".
"Yes" replies Paddy.
"Good. What did you put", says his wife.
"Here boy", Paddy replies.

Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the termites.....sure! I'd love to read the paper...

You can't keep a good dog down... unless it's been at the pound too long.

I used to be an avid bird watcher
Then I took a sparrow to the knee.

My son just said, "Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal."
I said, "Son, I'm Prada Ewe."

My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep.
"A farm, you mean" suggested my mate.
"No. A slaughter house".