Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages?
It's amazing what you can teach them

I regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder.
All she ever does is complain about how homesick she is.
"Yak, yak, yak."

A Horse walks into a Bar carrying a pair of Jump-Leads...
The Barman says "I don't mind the long face, but if you try and start anything you're out!"

I knocked on a guys house the other day
"I'm really sorry mate but my Cat's just killed your dog"
"Impossible!" He exclaimed, "My dog is a 90lb Pit bull terrier, It would tear a cat to shreads, what happened?!"
"Well I was digging up the road with it and I backed up over him"

Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ...
I'm really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is.

My cat gave birth in the middle of our street today.
The council fined me for littering.

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.

My dog recently swallowed a whole set of alphabet fridge magnets. He's been leaving little messages around the house.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer.

I cleaned my fish out last night.
Can't believe how bad they are at poker!

They say the early bird catches the worm.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

There is no sense in running from your problems.
Unless they are lions

When I found out my missus' pet spider was on the loose, I went and bought a tank...
That should enable me to fire at it from a reasonably safe distance.

I got fired a few days into my job as a vet, when a woman brought in a sick hedgehog.
Apparently, up down left right A B C start isn't an appropriate cure.

There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said "I've got this really cool game we can play" the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The hedgehog said "now its your turn" "no way that's to scary" said the second hedgehog. "No look, it's really easy" said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said "look there's a car coming now its your turn" the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball.
SPLAT.
3 wheeled car.

The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced.
"You can do that, right?" I asked.
"Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."

I've had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation.
I found 17 dead cats in there this morning.

I realize that asking my dogs which one of them farted is pointless, but if I don't ask, they might think it was me.

I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.
I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.
I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.
I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

When i was on Holiday in canada I saw a sign that said this
We advise that you wear noisy little bells on your clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
You should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other
"The thing that worries me most about getting old is incontinence".

I went to see a flea circus today, but all the fleas suddenly and mysteriously disappeared.
That left us all scratching our heads.

What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser?
Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

If man did not evolve from apes, how come we like PG tips as much as they do?